Ok... we have a little problem to discuss and this is by no means a clever, original rant - I am certain it may even be a tired topic amongst some readers who have experienced this scenario many times.
I have an issue with Starbuck's Coffee. Not with the coffee itself. In fact, it is quite delightful!
It is the fancy variations of how it is served.
I had a trendoid dude two turns in ahead of me ordering a double decaf soy latte, non-whip with a shot of mocha and an Iced Caramel Macchiato, no ice(?). The next person before me was a young woman ordering a Chai Spice tea and non-fat Mochacinno [sic], shot of vanilla hold the creme. I felt bad for the coffee clerk. "What a crap-ass, shit, cock job" I thought to myself as I was patting myself on the back for the simple, efficient order I was about to place.
There are three sizes served here, Tall, Grande and Venti. I was corrected twice by the pimply coffee slinger. I usually stop a Dunkin Donuts if I run out of coffee at home in the morning. I needed a small with milk and a large black. When asking for a small he said back to me "Tall". I replied "Um, thanks, a small coffee please." He corrected me and said "tall coffee." I looked at him for a moment and then up at the sign and yes, the smallest was a Tall. "Ok, Tall with Milk" I said. He replied "Tall with room for milk". At this point my blood pressure was notably elevated, and I hadn't a drop of caffeine in me yet.
"I will also take a large - the biggest one you have, black, please" (insert your own gay jokes here).
"Venti, topped off" he replies in a smug manner.
I no longer felt sorry for the poor asshole working at McStarbucks. Iwanted to reach over the counter and punch a hole right through his entire head. I paid for my coffee and left.
I wrote this earlier today and left it sitting there until I had some time to re read it. Confirming my opening statement about the commonality of this complaint, I did a Google search for "Venti+Starbucks+Definitions" and this article came at the top of the list. Anyone who nods in assent at this posting should read this and know that we are not alone.
I have an issue with Starbuck's Coffee. Not with the coffee itself. In fact, it is quite delightful!
It is the fancy variations of how it is served.
I had a trendoid dude two turns in ahead of me ordering a double decaf soy latte, non-whip with a shot of mocha and an Iced Caramel Macchiato, no ice(?). The next person before me was a young woman ordering a Chai Spice tea and non-fat Mochacinno [sic], shot of vanilla hold the creme. I felt bad for the coffee clerk. "What a crap-ass, shit, cock job" I thought to myself as I was patting myself on the back for the simple, efficient order I was about to place.
There are three sizes served here, Tall, Grande and Venti. I was corrected twice by the pimply coffee slinger. I usually stop a Dunkin Donuts if I run out of coffee at home in the morning. I needed a small with milk and a large black. When asking for a small he said back to me "Tall". I replied "Um, thanks, a small coffee please." He corrected me and said "tall coffee." I looked at him for a moment and then up at the sign and yes, the smallest was a Tall. "Ok, Tall with Milk" I said. He replied "Tall with room for milk". At this point my blood pressure was notably elevated, and I hadn't a drop of caffeine in me yet.
"I will also take a large - the biggest one you have, black, please" (insert your own gay jokes here).
"Venti, topped off" he replies in a smug manner.
I no longer felt sorry for the poor asshole working at McStarbucks. Iwanted to reach over the counter and punch a hole right through his entire head. I paid for my coffee and left.
I wrote this earlier today and left it sitting there until I had some time to re read it. Confirming my opening statement about the commonality of this complaint, I did a Google search for "Venti+Starbucks+Definitions" and this article came at the top of the list. Anyone who nods in assent at this posting should read this and know that we are not alone.
posted by tom @ 9:56 PM
2 Comments:
At 7:56 PM,
miette said…
When I was younger and more of a doofus and considered myself a closet activist I read that Naomi Klein book and thought "yea, she's got it. I'll never go to a Starbucks or a Wal Mart or a Gap or otherwise support the evil empires." And then one hungover afternoon, eating pierogies outside at Veselka, someone younger and more doofusier and more active than me approached me with a clipboard, and in a huff gave us the pitch: "Starbucks is planning to open up across the street can you believe it? I mean, not only is there already one on Astor Place but they're in the practice, you know, of selectively choosing to open up immediately next to or across the street from established and well-loved local coffeeshops. Would you sign this petition that we're going to send to the landlords of the building to try and prevent this?" With fucking gusto! I even stumbled across one of those Reverend Billy events at the Astor Starbucks a few weeks later, and felt a rare sense of vicarious near-kinship. I swore: never, ever will they see my hard-earned cash.
A few years later and I'd kept it up. An office job, of course next to a Starbucks, someone every few hours making a "coffee run" and asking if I wanted anything. "Not if you're going to Starbucks, thanks." Even had a couple of converts after a few weeks -- making our own coffee runs, an extra block earned is a penny saved. In my small way, I was doing my part, and succeeding.
But I'm old now. And tired. And lazy. And impassive. And resigned. And not always, not often even, but when in select company or desperate with no other options in that moment's block, sure, I'll poke in. A cold vacuous gaze in the direction of the cash drawer with your hand in your wallet (subtly, but effectively, indicating haste) while you give an indifferent "large coffee, please" and you rarely get a fuss (and when you do get the clarifying "venti?" again give gesture to time, check your watch, check the coffeeboy's watch, give a sighing "yes, large" and move on. I realise this, like, unfortunately, most dealings with service industry professionals, is more easily pulled off by members of the second sex, so I offer you this alternative answer to the "venti" question: non posso credere che bevo in questo merdaio) And no, it's not the best coffee, and it's certainly not worth the pricetag, but with age and exhaustion and listlessness and impassivity and resignation comes the desire for convenience above all else, I suppose.
That said, I'll still never set foot in a Gap.
At 8:41 PM,
eHip said…
I don't drinks no coffee, so I don't feel the pain of cawfee drinkurs. Similarly, I didn't vote for W, so I don't have to feel like a piece of shit for putting the country in such misery... put I still cringe whenever he opens his mouth. Whenever he stands at a podium, I keep thinking any minute someone just offstage is getting ready to extend out a long hook.... yes, back to coffee. I'm stuck on tea, and I take mine green with... well, with some hot water... and a cup. And I can't seem to get any at any of the local McCoffeeHaus-es. Well, actually, I haven't tried... but enough about tea - back to coffee. So, coffee... I have nothing to say.
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