We as Americans often forget our friends, overlook the ones who stand by us, our neighbors who share a language with some uncanny similarities. When it's fashionable for the rest of the world to call us a bunch of jackbooted thugs they are with us, thugging along with the red, white and blue. We as Americans owe them a debt of gratitude that we often forget, especially you Australia, don't think we forgot about you and what you mean to us.
Australia, I miss the smell of your hair your soft skin, and the scent of Marmite on your clothes. You are so far, far away, I could walk to the Sun faster than it takes to get over there. Sure, you remind us of England, but in a much cooler way, you dress sexier for one thing, you got the total surf/bikini babe thing going on, you've even got that accent, but you're not all snobby about it like some people. Why England decided to start Australia in Australia and not Canada was the biggest mistake in the world and why we rented that room to Canada, I'll never know.
Canada has not worked a fucking job months, the place reeks of pot. You know what; "2112" is a great fucking album but Rush could not write a line like "She knocked me out with those American thighs" if Farley Mowat slathered up Neil Pert for a back rub with bacon fat. Look Canada; you left the place is a mess, there are are Labats bottles and empty goddamn boxes of Kraft Mac and Cheese everywhere, you live like a frat boy and you somehow find time to bitch at us, between bong hits. Canada's got the "Free Mumar" backlight posters on the wall, they're letting their hair grow out to make dreads like the dude from Counting Crows and you totally know they have been mooching off us like forever: "Dude, we like need some money to buy like some beer and Kraft dinner so we have something to do while we watch Ciallou." And when we tell them to go out and get a fucking job they totally dick out and call us facists. Canada has totally been Europe's little bitch the whole time, they're practically communists! Europe instigates Canada to talk shit to us like that kid with the extra thick glasses in fourth grade that does what the whole class tells him. Yea, Yea, keep it up Canada, you're in for the wedgie of a lifetime you little prick.
We're always telling England she's great, and you know we love England, but England is like that girl you went out with in college that only hung out with guys. Yea, she was a fucking pistol and the accent thing was really, really cute for a while but last time you called her Belgium picked up the phone and said she was sleeping and wouldn’t wake her up, and what's with the showers? Once a week in not a shower, a goddamn elephant at the circus takes a shower more often than Europe. England is a sweat heart, yea, they gave us Zeppelin, they gave Jimi a rhythm section but England will sleep with all of Europe when she's drunk and she always drunk, and once she gets a few pints of cider in her, yea.
So Australia, I just wanted to tell you that you have been a true friend, you stick by us, you don't talk shit about us and you're not afraid to get your hands dirty, so for that, we owe you a night of lap dances at the titty bar of your choice. Come over any time, our door is always open for you.

JIIIM