I watched Lord of the Rings this weekend, don’t ask me which one, I just found there was another one. It was good, pretty good, if Hollywood ever decides it needs a good pat on the back and has some kind of “award” for these things then Lord of the Rings (or TOS as it’s known by them’s who knows.) should get one or two.
There were a few problems with film for me to truly enjoy it: One, I had to keep the sound down or my daughter would wake up and ask; “What’s that man doing?” or “What’s that man eating?”, she does this to me all the time, I’ll be eating a sandwich and she’ll ask what I’m eating, I’ll tell her I’m eating a Pizza with Monkey slices, and she’ll say; “No Daddy, you’re eating a sandwich.”. So I would be explaining the entire movie to her, she would already know and I can’t watch the movie now anyway, I got my wife kept asking me; “Why can’t the little guy keep the bowling ball?” (and I know she could care less about this film) what this and who that and I’ll answer. “Oh, that’s s ‘Zippy’ and he has to take it to the wizard so he can become a real boy.” and I don’t know what the hell was going on.
The other major problem with this film is it is too dated. Now you’re probably asking me; “Dated!? It’s the best CGI (and I hate people who throw words around like CGI in everyday conversation as if they themselves are running a Maya Cluster.) to date!”
Ok, so it probably is, so what. What’s lost in this film are some golden, and I mean 24 caret opportunities.
Had this movie been made in the late 1950’s now you’re talking. Now, you’re going to have to bear with me; I know a few things for sure about this movie.
The Main guy is King Ritchie; he should have been played by Russ Tamblin. There was a wizard, named Andy who was just crying to be played by Cid Caesar in a purple hat, or even the guy from “God’s and Monsters”, what’s his name? Can’t think. There’s a little troll looking guy with an axe and a big red beard named “Jimmie”, but the sound was down and who knows right, Buddy Hackett would have been perfect for this part. Some other guy who was like William Tell, but better than William Tell, I know, you’re thinking what I’m thinking: “Better than William Tell? Someone’s been hittin’ the sauce pretty early in the morn’…” William Tell was so good he shot an apple off his kid’s head, which you can’t even do now for some reason! He should have been scripted more like a Jerry Mathers character, all American kid who would have his best friend strapped to the electric chair if he thought for a second he was a “commie” and not bat an eyelash. “Gee Whiz dad! Mr. Pulaski took us all the way down to the center ring where they still had the crime scene tape! That clown fell real far you know. Then we had pork chops!” instead of a bow and arrow he could have been killing Orps with a sling shot and a deer skin sack of lucky marbles. My friend Anne on the 3rd floor pointed out he needs a red and white striped shirt, and a coon skin hat and the sling shot would be holstered in his back pocket. Am I right, or am I right! One other item, someone needs a pet monkey, they come in handy when you get locked in a jail cell. You can’t write a jail cell scene without a monkey breaking you out, it’s simply not possible.

Another major oversight in this film: Pirates! They had twenty seconds of Pirates. Man, if this film was made in the 50’s there would have been Pirates singing and mopping and throwing girls over their shoulders and a heap of “Arrrgggsss.” Pirates with lots of red and blue scarves, chomping down on a cutlass while they swing from the mast head “Ho-ho-ho’ing”. One good Pirate fight could have saved this entire film.

Then, there were these guys’s the “Snozghouls”, and man, oh man, did they need a musical number, something in the minor key barber shop quartet variety with a crazy Theremin solo towards the end. A few lead wires and they could have flown around, that’s some spooky business. Three tall ones and one little one who sang baritone and is always out of sync with dance steps right. It’s always funny when the little guy sings real deep like Tony the Tiger or Slim Whitman and belts out the last line “I will break him… Joe!” or something. The other three could have hit him on the head with their chain mail gloves he would later extract his revenge by pushing them in a volcano at the end of the film: That’s another item this movie needed badly; who doesn’t love a good volcano? I can’t believe this movie with all the $20 trick photography they used it would be too much to ask to get some plaster of Paris and baking soda and make a volcano. Sheeh!

The Orps too, needed heavy Asian accents, not Swedish or whatever they had. Also, they needed a big guy with a bushy black beard and eyebrows to match that broke into a Cossack dance constantly, instead of a lighthouse. What the hell is so scary about a lighthouse? They guy who played Harvey Mudd in Star Track could have pulled this off in his sleep, him or King Tutt from Batman (and I’m talking the only Batman, Adam West) There was some other evil sorcerer guy his name was “Sourpuss”, like I said the sound was down, he was only in the movie for 30 seconds, he didn’t even “Geronimo!” when he fell off the tower, Hmm.. That character had Dr. Smith from Lost in Space all over it. There was another guy who ate Tomatoes like popcorn, I’m not sure what the point was, he didn’t even have a name but he did get a good bonk-bonk on the head from Andy.

So yea, more singing, more midgets, more puppet characters and smoke bellowing monsters made from glittery fabrics, foam-core and wire, more green stage lights, more fog machines in caves with plenty of bats, dancing skeletons: How good would that have been when the King, Jimmie and the kid run into a bunch of scary dancing skeletons in that cave, a little organ music and you’ve got yourself a scene Mr. Parr! More paper machete sets, a swami, and a scene where the two girls get so jealous they go to hit King Ritchie in the face with a Pie for being a schnook, but he ducks and they hit Jimmie the Troll who is standing directly behind him and start a big pie ruckus in the bar, possibly a “shrink-ray”, and at least one volcano, but most importantly; the Sultan of stop-motion: Ray Harryhousen!

Next time Larry Jefferson makes a movie he should call me; I could have turned this into a $10,000 block buster!