I just finished reading “Sphere” (12,000 assholes have reviewed this book and they are all a bunch of dick gargling fools.) by Michael Crichton once again. For those of you who have not read it, you are all bastards. "Sphere" by Crichton should not be confused with "Sphere" by a bunch of Hollywood assholes who should be swallowed up by an angry She-Earth.

I have my own theory about what’s going on at the end of that book as well, Crichton eludes to it in the book, but the movie, which was ass with two capital s’s for shit did not touch on it, in fact the movie was so bad the actors should have been imprisoned. In fact Crichton was one of the producers of the film, that now that I think of it was so bad, I have to say: It actually damages the integrity of the book. I was going to add points for Crichton growing up in the same town I worked in from every thing from a bus-boy, to arch bus-boy, but knowing this now has completely fucked my whole write-up.

I was going to mention the squid, the book has squid. First off: the whole cast was wrong, Sharon Stone who I adore as a complete hypocrite, should not have been Beth, Sigourney Weaver 20 years ago would have been perfect and Samuel L. Jackson as Harry? Man, I love Odell Frozone Windu Wendell, I do, but Harry is in his 20’s and paranoid, Jackson plays some mean mother fuckers, but paranoid? Finally Dustin Hoffman, bad choice period; the guy does two things well, Rizzo and Simpson’s voices, he should have never played Norman, no fucking way. Oh yea, the squid: Crichton does this whole send up on the squid, sort of a homage to Jules Verne, pages of this leviathan 30 foot squid just fucking everyone up (this is who Jackson should have played!) so what does the film do? A blip on the fucking radar. They could have fired Leiv (no relation to the squid) Schreiber and Queen Latifah from this film (also Huey Lewis was in this human toilet of a feature) and hired a guy in a squid suit if they were pressed for a CGI budget. They could have had James Mason in a squid suit and Dr. Martins boots kicking Hoffman in the nuts and it would been better than a blip, they could have used a Muppet squid that sing “Who are the people in your bathysphere?” and it would have been better than a blip.

A fucking blip? What the fuck were they thinking?

Read the book, burn the film. I am now reading Bobby Fischer teaches chess, and my computer has schooled me 10 for 10. Aw, screw it, I’m dressing up in a squid costume and cowboy hat and prostituting myself in theater bathrooms.

See you at the movies.