Crappiest movies of all time

Ferris Buller’s Day Off:An upper middle class asshole, farts around and pretends he’s sick with the help of a sampler which at the time had a street price of about $25,000 to his indicted pedophile school principal and lip-syncs “Twist and Fuck” to downtown Chicago. Why the fuck would I give a warm bowl of used fuck for this crappy, crappy film, and why does anyone only recall the scene with (very right wing) Ben Stein calling out this dicks name in class, and what kind of gay name is “Ferris”? Mine Gotten Himmel! The British don’t even think of gay names like this! And why does Comedy Central show this movie every two days? It’s crap!

The Other Sister, I am Sam: (and any movie that some actor plays a “special” role, when they are not in any way special except for “Gilbert Grape”)
Following in one of the best performances of an actual semi-retarded Leonardo DiCaprio as “Arnie” in “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”; “Grape” Co-Star Juliet Lewis decided she too needed to be retarded (more so though; retarted-er.)

Why Arnie works as a character is because he was this multi-faceted foil for uber-pinko Johnny Depp. Lewis try’s to steal the show, as a retard, what’s worse is Giovanni Rabissi; a very talented guy who plays a retard for this film. The rush for thespians cum-retards pinnacled with the unnecessary and asinine “I Am Sam.” This is just Hollywood at their worst (an oxymoron, I know). Saddam’s best friend and laughable stereotype Sean “Jeff Spicoli” Penn, the ultra-liberal but loaded .357 and Glock 9mm owning; (which were stolen from his car on the streets of Beverly Hills and now in the hands of, let’s call them Freedom Fighters on crystal meth.) Playing this time; a retard with a heart, who’s daughter is the cutest thing since pre-“What’s that Angel Dust? I can fly off my 23 story balcony! Ok.” Buffy from “Family Affair” in the form of Dakota Fanning (The robotic girl from “Perfect Maid” who was hurled into a iron smelting pot by the clearly not as adorable “Webster” in the show’s Anthony Burgess inspired violent series finale.)

Marlboro spokeswoman Michelle Pfeiffer (which salads have been mysteriously known to cry-for.) also shows her Cichlid wrought head in this abomination.

Anything with Susan Sarandon.
We have friends downtown who live in the same building as Mr.& Mrs. Susan Sarandon and I always have a mild anxiety attack that I’m going to bump into these two on an elevator and ask them what the hell the malfunction is which will erupt into a slap festival with Tim Robbins. As soon as I see her big moon-pie head on that screen I am gone – gone like Cleavon Little’s carrier after “Blazing Saddles”

Remakes, oh how I hate thee! (Or let’s take a children’s movie and shove it full of dick jokes and long farty sounds)

Cat in the Hat: Why? Or better yet; rot in a pit of your own filth you Hollywood bastards for shitting on one of the most inspired, timeless and imaginative children’s tales of all time and rape it until your pockets and snouts were filled with your soulless pickings. Fuck you all. I’m actually quite bothered by this but you might not guess from my restraint.

Planet of the Apes: I wanted to like this. Tim Roth, David Warner(!), Michael Clarke-Duncan, Mark Walberg and Tim Burton behind the wheel. With this cast they should have been able to remake “Benji Gets the Rectal Squirts” and win fifteen thousand Oscars. I got one word for this film: Ape Lincoln. (I think I wrote a song called Ape Lincoln when I was nine after eating a half gallon of Coffee Ice Cream and firing down a bottle of NyQuil.)This was worse than that Hendrix/Morrison “album” that surfaced in the mid 1980’s that should have stayed lost out of respect for the dead.

The Hurricane: Denzel Washington in one of the most blatantly full of shit “true-stories” ever written. Nearly as bad as that movie where he’s the cop in the wheelchair and can guess the kidnappers address by the way he ties his shoes. I am getting tired of Hollywood trying to make up for it’s incredible shitty treatment and permanently damaging image of Black people by perpetually ass frenching (More on them in a moment) them as if this is some compensation and turning them into pillars of society at every chance. I guess it’s impossible to show an ethnic group for it’s achievements and limitations at the same time, (This is not to say if I had a top 25 list of movies that were cool that “Hollywood Shuffle” would most certainly be in the single digit column, and would include “Boy’s in the Hood”, “Malcom X (and “25^th Hour” for that matter.) and Rusty Cundieff’s masterpiece “Fear of a Black Hat”) that would be two dimensional and mainstream Hollywood would crap itself in the undertaking of such thought. This is why Mumar Jamal-Warner is sitting on death row but has honorary French citizenship. I can’t thank France enough for this honor to an indicted murderer of a Philadelphia Police Officer. God bless my ancestors who saw the revolution coming and said “Let’s get le fuck out of here and discover Canada (When it was actually a cool place), these connards are assholes.” And they left Bourgeon and had half-breed injun kids.

All Westerns: Growing up in suburbia we didn’t talk about out “Injun” heritage (Ok, I’m 1/8^th but our family name is on the tribal roster in upstate New York so kiss my red-skinned ass, washicho) ,they taught us in school that Injuns would scalp you, cheat you and drink your whisky (Which they called “Buffalo-Up”). Then suddenly a French Creole (with no Indian ancestry whatsoever) dressed as Crazy Cat from F-troop starts crying when he finds a Zagnut wrapper in a land fill and Kevin Costner makes a film about “Native Americans”, and we are supposed to believe they were B’nai/Zen Buddhists hippies (who historically were wiping each other off the face of the Earth for the last 500 years.) enjoying sensible and lean portions of Buffalo when they weren’t being the Earth’s first pot-heads. Native American? Please, that’s just rude. Call them Indians, it’s Spanish for “People of God” [Spanish/Latin: In-Dois] (Columbus figured out he was not in India, because India was called Hindustan until about 400 years after Columbus was dead.) Or call them anything but what Hollywood has decided on for the moment.

Something about Mary: One of the crappiest and overrated films of all time, the Godfather III of cringe comedy. “Oh it’s sheer genius! She puts cum in her hair!”

Godfather III: So bad I find it more embarrassing then that Olive Garden commercial where the guy takes his uncle from Italy to that Tuscan shithole. Italians (I’m half you fucking cucumber, and Europe would still be wading neck deep in its own Nutella infested dung if it was not for Italy pulling the rest of the continent out of the absurdities of the Dark Ages.) are Hollywood’s last bastion of stereotyping. (Italians and Catholics, however other minorities belief systems are still sacred) One of these days I’m going to kick Joey from “Joey” down a flight of stairs, and Injun slap Tony Danza (He knows why, that filthy animal.) then drive out to Amaganset and gorilla punch Steven Spielberg in his chicken neck because he cant cast an Italian unless he’s willing to play that “Freggin’ Tony from yo; Brooklyn!” role. Bullshit! You heartless, mindless, soulless mother fuckers: I hope the next time one of you Hollywood exec takes your “friends” out to impress them at La Scala, they shit in your Manicotti after you mispronounce it.

If I have to sit calmly (the word Italian and calm rarely are used in the same sentence.) and watch David Allen Grier dressed as a “Gepetto the Pizza Man” so “Life With Bonnie” can have a cheap laugh at the expense of my linage I am going to insist BET plays Al Jolsen’s “Mammy” every fifteen minutes. It fucking drives me red with rage what Italians have to put up with in mainstream media. When’s the last time you saw “The Amazing Chan and the Chan Clan?” (Or even “Hong Kong Phooey” for that matter!)

Which brings me to the list of people that I will bestow free and inhumanely brutal dental “fixuns” when I see them:

David Cross.

There. I am done.

JME3K