Tommy's retort to Right-Wing Jimmy's Enemies List
Note: I have only listed the items that I took umbrage at or agreed with and had something to add, and responded to further the self congratulatory wittiness that abounds here!
Alice in Chains
Layne Staylee should have boycotted that last heroin fix! It took the M.E. a week to figure out what the hell the festering ooze was on the floor of his Seattle apartment (It was him). He truly is the man in the box, buried in his shit. Nice going Layne.
Disagreed:
Dewd - you have to admit the first blast of noise in the opening chords of Dem Bones made you rock harder than any other, followed by the relentlessly sinister Junkhead - sub-Sabbath riffage distilled to a leaden paste... Just their record Dirt should render this item a falsehood of utmost irrelevancy. shame on you for mocking that poor addict, you smelly little man!
Audioslave
I boycotted this pathetic attempt to sound like SoundGarden meets Rage Against the Machine when I heard the album, you’d think getting your chocolate in the Peanut Butter would taste great, well it tastes like shit.
Agreed:
Good elements from two great bands, Soundgarden + Rage = Wet, loose Poo, with sporadic lingering poofs of flatus.
This was a record label/management creation, acknowledged by band members in the press and reeking of that putrid concept of Clear Channel support on a zillion "Modern Rock" clone stations across the vast plains of this idiot-populated country.
Babes in Toyland
Oh, fuck the LA music scene, who gives a hell. Pay to Play, Apply makeup to Play. You’d think Hanoi Rocks, a band that had limited appeal and no airplay would not be in danger of being the centerpiece of an otherwise dull rock movement 25 years after Vince Neal is still cleaning Razzle (the drummer, not the substance altering candy) from the back seat of his ’69 GTO
Disagreed:
You are confusing Hanoi Rocks with Hair Metal, something that is often done since Razzle (Hanoi Rocks' Drummer) was killed in a car driven by Vince Neil from Motley Crue. Hanoi Rocks had more in common with the New York Dolls/Johnny Thunders/Trash-punk Underground scene than anything offered up by the likes of Slaughter (rhymes with "laughter"), White Lion or Ugly Kid Joe.
Joan Baez
I would rather put my face in a wood chipper that sit through her Woodstock performance of “Joe Hill” again.
Agreed:
Listening to the douchey folk warbling of Joan Baez is akin to suffering through a prostate probing performed with a pine cone. I just added this because I am permitted to be self-indulgent and sometimes annoying.
Beastie Boys
Fuck them for dissing The Prodigy and warning him not to sing “Smack my Bitch Up”, the Beastie’s had three good albums and they know it. I’ll kick them in the ass like Mr. Spock and beat them with a wiffle ball bat.
Agreed and Disagree:
I could give a rat's ass about the Prodigy thing. Prodigy are the ones we should be eviscerating here, not the graying white rappers. Another sucky media-hype robotic rock/dance hybrid, Prodigy was completely lost on me. You probably have gay feeling for the Firestarter guy. The Beasties 1994 epic "Ill Communication" pardons all misdeeds by the non-Kabbalah Jewish guys turned Buddhist & Hindu (talk about self-hating Jews!) and renders all criticism moot.
Black Crowes
These guys would look for loose buds in Slash’s afro if they were jonesin'
Agreed and Disagreed:
Chris Robinson's repetitively numbing pro-pot stance, bad beards, twirly dancing and subsequent marriage into Hollywood are all fair targets for our bile, however I will refrain based on the 2 records "Southern Harmony & Musical Companion" and "Amorica" and the fact that I spent many a happily stoned evening of minimal responsibility and worries intertwined with the kind melodies of these two masterpieces. Some in the know would crucify them for being second-rate Faces clones; I applaud them for the same reason and for keeping a long-dormant sound going with great conviction.
Black Flag
Besides the embracing of MTV and subsequent betrayal, what did Henry Rollins ever really do that’s memorable?
Disagreed:
You were still listening to Joan Baez when these punks were relevant. You are not authorized to criticize the real reasons for a band like this. You need to get a high colonic and blow out the old vindaloo from your abused pipes.
Blur
I like blur, American radio has never given these guys a fair shake.
Agreed:
They actually did have a US hit with that "Woo Hoo" song that sounded Nirvana-ish. They were just too British at heart to catch on here and only caught our collective ears when they acted American. We are a narcissistic nation.
David Byrne
He’s a musical genius, look; his sleeves are too big!
Agreed:
The big suit is truly funny! He sings about flowers! He is sardonic and humorless in a funny way! Talking Heads Remain In Light is one of the best Adrian Belew records ever!
Tracy Chapman
Blames the GOP for that tarantula on her head.
Agreed:
When I see here, I snicker in a politically incorrect manner and the word "Mammy" flashes through my head - just plain wrong
Coldplay
RadioHead on medication, dull and far less entertaining.
Disagreed:
I cannot explain why - on paper I should really not care about Coldplay but there definitely is a spark of something in their music that reflects their great influences, namely Jeff Buckley and Sigur Ros. The Radiohead-lite tag is unfair. Strangely distant and icy at times, their panoramic soundscapes still oddly evoke more emotion that Dashboard Confessional on their whiniest day.
Sheryl Crow
Waiting for her to pull a Layne Staylee.
Disagreed:
That's just mean. My wife likes her and she is better than Jessica Simpson or Celine Dion. so what if she represents all the Gap-wearing, Starbuck-drinking nu-yuppies in SUVs? She often emulates Keith Richards' open-G tuning and that can't be all that bad.
Dave Matthews Band
There from Africa, no; they’re from Virginia, no wait, they throw poop on sightseers. The Neil Diamonds of Dead Heads. Listen; Any “Crunchie” band my mom thinks is cool is not, Case closed.
Agreed:
I fucking hate this band.
Individually, they are all great musicians, especially the drummer. Together, they are flaccid, pudgy, noodley, irritating, world-music sounding amalgram of everything that gives me the ultimate douche chills about a band. Am I complaining too much?
Dixie Chicks
No one gave a filthy fuck about these broads until Yahoo thought it was earth-shattering news they had some political opinion in Europe. Remember Europe? It’s the Muslim capital of Europe.
Disagreed:
All great musicians, though not my cup of Double Decaf Soy Chai Frappo-Latte, no whip Venti®.
Good for the singer not backing down to conservative criticism on our vast right-wing talk radio empires. Imagine the quality and timbre of the meaty farts that must emanate from the fat ass of Rush Limbaugh! His turds definitely "Break water ".
Everclear
Two albums later this band refuses to abandon the same melody.
Disagreed:
Two albums later? I thing it is 6 or 7!
Fishbone
Fuck them fully, Anthony attempted to rape my cousin in a San Deigo hotel room and Sunless Saturday is a complete rip of Iron Maiden’s “The Trooper”
Agreed:
You never told me this story! Did you mean Angelo instead of Anthony?
I wanted to like Fishbone all the way through but they just sucked too often to commit.
Foo Fighters (formerly Nirvana)
I’ll forgive Dave Grohl, but I won’t forgive this base head who compiled these names for the “formerly Nirvana” thing.
Disagreed:
Forgive Dave Grohl for what? Writing great catchy melodies and being an all-around "Aw Shucks" everyman to everyone? Oh, you mean the left wing cause thing? When you bitch about this stuff do you really know about the team you are apparently rooting for?
Fugazi
I thought all punk bands from the 80’s had spent all the cash from selling their songs to car companies. So much for Anti Establishment.
Disagreed:
Fugazi never sold out. Their fierce integrity and solid DIY ethic is in place and immovable. It is that way because they are kinds of weirdly unlikable and no one wants to buy their songs for car commercials anyway.
Peter Gabriel
I stopped listening when he took the giant frog costume off.
Disagreed:
Tony Levin on bass - that song "Digging In The Dirt". Immacualate. The "Passion" soundtrack... come on Jimmy, you are killing me...
Godsmack
Lets see; they named themselves after an AIC song, unabashedly sound like an Alice in Chains cover band and they sold their music to the Air Force for recruitment commercials.
Agreed:
They suck Rush Limbaugh's tooting, roast beef-impacted asshole for being a derivative, formulaic suck-ass band of stupid shit ass fuck.
Green Day
Don’t get me started on this retarded candy rapped punk band from our viable friends in the record industry. Since when is Punk politically concerned? I liked it far better when they realized it was ALL bullshit. When Punk starts telling me what to do and it’s not shoving shopping carts into busy intersections then it’s time for me to call Punk a bunch of Punks.
Disagreed:
I have a dirty little secret to confess. I read all the glowing reviews of Green Day's latest opus and decided to illegally download the album and listen to it to see what all the fussy fuss is about. Here is the Verdict: It is pretty damn likable! One catchy ditty after the next! Crunchy distorted heavy guitar washes over everything, including the vocalists annoyingmock-brit Punk circa '77 affectations. Good happy heavy songs! I am guilty as charged.
P.S. I always liked that song from the Godzilla 2001 (what a shit movie) soundtrack that has the same melody as Chicago's 25 Or 6 To 4...So there!
Arlo Guthrie
If you are still smoking weed at age 85 I’m going to have to ask you the shut the fuck up.
Disagreed:
Despite contrary image associations, it is pretty well-known that Arlo does not imbibe in the weed, especially after his cringeworthy commentary in the film "Woodstock". I also redesigned many of his CD sleeves - if you do not believe me, then click here!
Deborah Harry
Ah, the sands of time have not been kind to this one.
Agreed:
I love Blondie. I liked them back in their time when Parallel Lines came out and my younger sisters idolized Deborah Harry. I knew at nine years old that Deb was a hot piece off ass and I still think so when I look at the pictures from 1977. Ahem, the sands of time are a cruel and unforgiving solvent...
Juliana Hatfield
Who would win in a fight with her and James Hatfield, or Dr. McCoy?
Agreed:
Very clever and funny, Jimmy!
Helmet
I don’t know where I just went for this one, I’m thinking Helmut Kohl, and Shultz from Hogans Hero’s; Hey Shultzie, will ya’ let us escape for this delicious bar of chocolate?
Agreed:
I think of Spaceballs - Rick Moranis' character Dark Helmet... "does she give good helmet?"
Hole
I wanna sell as many albums as Dave Grohl, but I never will…
Climb back in that hole Courtney and stop driving around wasted with your daughter in the car, what the kind of parent fuck are you?
Agreed:
Hole has always sucked. I never got it.
Indigo Girls
Once again, exalted by the Lesbian Mafia.
Agreed:
This is vinegary vagina music. It is flowery but not Elf-friendly.
Janes Addiction
Yes, I need a bunch of self medicated bi-polar idiots to tell me how to vote.
Agreed:
Rock Music + Politics = pedantic demagoguery.
Janes Addiction have a spotty record with me - It is a love/hate sort of thing. I love 2 songs by them.
Joan Jett
It’s like Agril Lagvine all over again.
Agreed:
Always like the tube-amp distorted guitar tones, but the simplicity of her cover tunes struck me as moronic.
Jewel
Has more ass than Alaska has Salmon.
Agreed:
In a cutesy manner, she refers to her pajamas as PJ's in that one big hit she had and made an enemy in me for eternity.
L7
The scariest band I have ever heard live, they sonically violated me. One of the last bands I can truly call hard.
Agreed:
Even scarier, they were documented as having pulled out bloody tampons from their yeasty, smelly periodic crotches and flung them into the crowd. I believe you may have swallowed one by accident, hence the violation.
Luscious Jackson
Once asked a crowd of 16 year olds to stop throwing plastic bottles at them on Randall’s Island. Welcome to New York you sub moronic Liberal Midwestern College attending Beastie Boyettes. A very wet Luscious Jackson high tailed it off the stage that afternoon.
Disagreed:
What does any of the above info have to do with there particularly laid-back femme hip hop trip? Stop using the word "liberal" in a derogatory light. Ok, Sean Hannity? Ok, Ann Coulter? Ok, Steppin Fetchit?
Massive Attack
They’re no House Martins.
Disagreed:
I hope that was a joke.
Madonna (Louise Ciccone)
Pontiac Michigan, home of the Queen’s English and cradle of Middle Eastern mystic belief systems that have their own advertising firms.
Agreed:
Guiltier than Madonna of trivializing an ages-old hermitic Jewish tradition are the Rabbis of the Kabbalah Centers world-wide. This is equal to the historical scandal of the buying of indulgence practiced by the Catholic Church back in the time when Kabbalah was quietly studied by mystic scholars initiated into the secrets by demonstrating complete knowledge of the basic tenets of the Jewish faith and knowlege of Talmud.
A red Kabbalah string for 20 bucks to ward off the evil eye. Shame on you Rabbi Berg!
John Mayer
I thought this was the 2004 Bob Dylan; Eddie Bauer edition.
Agreed:
Though not as offensive as Dave Matthews Band, this stuff teeters on the line. Did you ever see how tall this guy is? He towers over Shaq or something.
Mekons
A band that named themselves after a questionable Vietnam War altercation politicical? Nah?
Disagreed:
I don't think you know one thing about this band nor could you name one song that they have written in their illustrious 25+ year career (no Google searches permitted)
Mudhoney
The suck metal hair bands of the 80’s have been replaced with the canned heavy nipple and belly pierced boy metal bands of this lousy century.
Disagreed:
Again, you missed the mark. Mudhoney are the product of a genetic mutation of Black Sabbath, The Stooges and Blue cheer in a nuclear fusion centrifugal flux capacitor bunsen burner cuisinart. You talk out of your oft-utilized anus. I know for a fact you would like this band.
Graham Nash
Hey can I have some of your purple berries? Go buy your own purple berries you filthy dope fairy.
Agreed:
Hahaha! Purple berries were used to fight sea-sickness. I am not sure exactly what type of berry they were, but I heard they also made you trip for 16 day and 47 nights.
Nine Inch Nails
And the last hit they had was twelve years ago.
Agreed:
Trent Reznor = Derivative of Al Jourgenson from Ministry, but sucking badly and espousing a useless nihilism for no apparent reasons, with no clue as to what is rebelled against. I want to Beat Him Like An Animal
No Doubt
Almost pulled a Bosstones until people magazine decided Gwen Stefani was a cutie and they made her sing cover songs that were already hits but sucked.
Agreed:
This group is huge but who buys all these records? I don't personally know any no Doubt fans. I definitely would put Gwen over my knee and swat her hiney. Repeatedly.
Pearl Jam
And the sailor wore a peg leg! This guy has been stealing sailor shanties for the past ten years and Rolling Stone thinks he’s the most important thing in music since Wilco. I used to buy glow-in-the-dark dinosaurs in Wilco and eat them to see if my stomach would light up.
Agreed:
What happened to Pearl Jam? A good 1st album followed by pap smudge fecal bolus stool sample.
Primus
At some point we all said. “What the fuck did I buy this album for?” but it was too late. The naisly crooning of Les Claypool would forever haunt our airwaves whenever 90’s flashback freakout is played on a Viacom radio station. (which are all of them now except for two in the Yak-Pooh Province of Centrifugal Mongolia)
Agreed:
I once stood through a 2.5 hour set by this band and resent it to this day. Annoying shit-rock.
Queens of the Stone Age
Not the Queens of the Stone Age too! I liked their last album, not as much as I wanted to but I was cool. Ah, fuck them, What that album really needed was far more singer from Screaming Trees, what’s his name; Gilligan Hitler something…
Disagreed:
Don't fuck with Queens, now i am going to have to bitchsmack you with my keyboard. The Queens sport the mightiest lineage of the more recent bands to surprisingly garner airplay. Listen closely to the overplayed single "Nobody Knows" next time it is on KRock - there is a lot of weird vocal counter-melodic stuff going on, strange whining and weepy harmonies playing counter to the robotic driving riff that will not stop no matter what you do to try - it just keeps coming, it will rip your fucking ass out!
Radiohead
Now you’re killing me, not Thom Yorke! He was great as Will Robinson in that Lost in Space remake however.
Agreed:
After OK Computer they lost me with the masturbatory exercises in wankery and Krautrock minimalism. The Will Robinson Joke is funny. Wasn't he in the Black Crowes
R.E.M.
Everybody sucks, especially this band. Not since “Reckoning” have these guys done a fucking inspirational composition that did not have radio friendly pissed all over it.
Agreed:
I must say I like their new single "Leaving New York." Mysterious lilting melody, minimal production, decent obtuse lyrics...The song title is relevant since all my cheap -ass friends and relatives complain how expensive it is to live near or in the greatest city in the universe and they threaten to move to California (?), North/South Carolina and Florida. What the funk?
The rest of the list will follow shortly... Apologies in advance for all the talk of asses and farts and other subject matter that is certain to continue in every single post to this site for its creative duration.
posted by tom @ 2:17 PM
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