Hey kiddies, I, Jimmy3K have returned with a little list I found on my internet and well, now that Battlestation America is back open for another four years of international pimp-smacking please point the forward laser at the following bands:
Here is a list of music groups that actively contribute or have contributed in the past to left-wing groups like Planned Parenthood, Moveon.org, the Democratic National Committee, or other extreme left-wing groups; most notably; ”Communists for making moccasins out of hemp and the baby soft skin of your god fearing white children”, and the “People for the Ethical Treatment of Rhubarb”. This list was Compiled by AmericanConservative.com and ConservativesForFreedom.org and was subsequently “schmaltzed” up by your’s truly.
Alice in Chains
Layne Staylee should have boycotted that last heroin fix! It took the M.E. a week to figure out what the hell the festering ooze was on the floor of his Seattle apartment (It was him). He truly is the man in the box, buried in his shit. Nice going Layne.
Audioslave
I boycotted this pathetic attempt to sound like SoundGarden meets Rage Against the Machine when I heard the album, you’d think getting your chocolate in the Peanut Butter would taste great, well it tastes like shit.
Babes in Toyland
Oh, fuck the LA music scene, who gives a hell. Pay to Play, Apply makeup to Play. You’d think Hanoi Rocks, a band that had limited appeal and no airplay would not be in danger of being the centerpiece of an otherwise dull rock movement 25 years after Vince Neal is still cleaning Razzle (the drummer, not the substance altering candy) from the back seat of his ’69 GTO
Joan Baez
I would rather put my face in a wood chipper that sit through her Woodstock performance of “Joe Hill” again.
Beastie Boys
Fuck them for dissing The Prodigy and warning him not to sing “Smack my Bitch Up”, the Beastie’s had three good albums and they know it. I’ll kick them in the ass like Mr. Spock and beat them with a wiffle ball bat.
Harry Belafonte
Come Mistah Tallyman, the man’s carrier was a novelty to white folk.
Tony Bennett
Tony is the musical equivalent to John Voight’s character in “Midnight Cowboy”
Bikini Kill
Mediocre name, which says far more than the abilities of this band.
Bjork
She’s into that whole smoked herring for breakfast thing. Her whole country is going to be a warm pee spot in the Atlantic in another 10 years.
Black Crowes
These guys would look for loose buds in Slash’s afro if they were jonesin'
Black Flag
Besides the embracing of MTV and subsequent betrayal, what did Henry Rollins ever really do that’s memorable?
Mary J. Blige
R&B became known as “Rap and Bullshit” the moment Marvin Gaye was killed.
Blink 182
They invented Ska I was told. And all this time I thought it was the Kingston music scene in Jamaica c. 1960.
Blur
I like blur, American radio has never given these guys a fair shake.
David Byrne
He’s a musical genius, look; his sleeves are too big!
Roseanne Cash
A boy named Roseanne.
Belinda Carlisle
She’s looking like a doughy Brian Denehey these days.
Tracy Chapman
Blames the GOP for that tarantula on her head.
Coldplay
RadioHead on medication, dull and far less entertaining.
Judy Collins
That’s the last time I do skin cuttings to “Both Sides Now” from now on I’m strictly a Janice Ian fan.
Cowboy Junkies
The Scepeltura of sleep rock.
The Cranberries
What was up with “Zombie”? Is that pro IRA or are they against “Lucky” the cereal dependent leprechaun?
Sheryl Crowe
Waiting for her to pull a Layne Staylee.
Dave Matthews Band
There from Africa, no; they’re from Virginia, no wait, they throw poop on sightseers. The Neil Diamonds of Dead Heads. Listen; Any “Crunchie” band my mom thinks is cool is not, Case closed.
Dixie Chicks
No one gave a filthy fuck about these broads until Yahoo thought it was earth-shattering news they had some political opinion in Europe. Remember Europe? It’s the Muslim capital of Europe.
Neil Diamonds
“Coming to America” is my queue to grab all my shit from the ground and get out of the parking lot before all the other assholes who came to see fireworks do.
Bob Dylan
What did Jimi Hendrix ever, EVER hear in this guy.
The Eagles
Anyone who ever bought one of their albums can never quite figure out why. If I hear “Hotel California” 11 million years from now it will be too soon. Noting will ever come close to “The Greeks don’t want to Freaks”
Melissa Etheridge
If she wasn’t a lesbian would anyone give a shit about her music?
Everclear
Two albums later this band refuses to abandon the same melody.
Everlast
They lost all musical credibility when “Jump Around” was used for the birthday scene in “Mrs. Doubtfire.”
Face to Face
I totally drew a blank on this one. If anyone know’s who this is let me know. I’m too lazy to check the internet.
Faith No More
They ain’t no Mr. Bungle.
Filter
Hey man, Nice shot, nice shot man, what a good shot man, hey man, nice…Hey man! One hit!
Fishbone
Fuck them fully, Anthony attempted to rape my cousin in a San Deigo hotel room and Sunless Saturday is a complete rip of Iron Maiden’s “The Trooper”
Foo Fighters (formerly Nirvana)
I’ll forgive Dave Grohl, but I won’t forgive this base head who compiled these names for the “formerly Nirvana” thing.
Stone Fox
Come here ya’ big dummy, I got a nice knuckle samuich for you!
Fugazi
I thought all punk bands from the 80’s had spent all the cash from selling their songs to car companies. So much for Anti Establishment.
Peter Gabriel
I stopped listening when he took the giant frog costume off.
Garbage
They’re Scottish and not liking Rod Stewart is punishable by being tossed in a bog over there.
Steve Gatlin (Gatlin Brothers)
Achy Breaky Neck. The above parentheses are the most I’ve heard from the Gatlin Brothers since 1985.
Godsmack
Lets see; they named themselves after an AIC song, unabashedly sound like an Alice in Chains cover band and they sold their music to the Air Force for recruitment commercials.
Kim Gordon (Corina and Sonic Youth)
Thurston Moore grew up the sole inheritor of Thurston Howell’s estate, it was paid to him in coconuts.
Green Day
Don’t get me started on this retarded candy rapped punk band from our viable friends in the record industry. Since when is Punk politically concerned? I liked it far better when they realized it was ALL bullshit. When Punk starts telling me what to do and it’s not shoving shopping carts into busy intersections then it’s time for me to call Punk a bunch of Punks.
Arlo Guthrie
If you are still smoking weed at age 85 I’m going to have to ask you the shut the fuck up.
Deborah Harry
Ah, the sands of time have not been kind to this one.
Juliana Hatfield
Who would win in a fight with her and James Hatfield, or Dr. McCoy?
Sophie B. Hawkins
I think I just saw her second billed on the Marquee for Howard Johnson’s on the way to work.
Helmet
I don’t know where I just went for this one, I’m thinking Helmut Kohl, and Shultz from Hogans Hero’s; Hey Shultzie, will ya’ let us escape for this delicious bar of chocolate?
Hole
I wanna sell as many albums as Dave Grohl, but I never will…
Climb back in that hole Courtney and stop driving around wasted with your daughter in the car, what the kind of parent fuck are you?
Indigo Girls
Once again, exalted by the Lesbian Mafia.
Janes Addiction
Yes, I need a bunch of self medicated bi-polar idiots to tell me how to vote.
Joan Jett
It’s like Agril Lagvine all over again.
Jewell
Has more ass than Alaska has Salmon.
Lady Miss Kier
I can’t say anything bad to anyone who has had Q-Tip guest on her album.
L7
The scariest band I have ever heard live, they sonically violated me. One of the last bands I can truly call hard.
Led Zeppelins
Not the Led Zeppelins! I have all their albumses; Led Zeppelins One’s, Two’s Three’s, Stairways to Heavens to Megatroids, Led Zeppelin has not released an album since 1981, and money from Jimmy’s “Led Wallet” Page’s offerings go straight to the Jimmy Page Arm Candy Fund.
Letters to Cleo
One hit, and I can’t even remember it. I guess they cool if you’re a big Dawson’s Creek kinda fellah. “Screw the Steelers game Ed, I gotta find out if Paige is going to confront Ashleigh for asking Kyle to take her to the Pearl Jam concert! Put on the WB now!”
Living Colour
I could never cover the song “Cult of Personality” without inducing myself into a Jacksonian seizure on my Washburn “Wunderbar” and laughing my ass off at the same time. Muzz and Calhoon were the real force behind that band anyway.
Lunachicks
A band that does not live up to their name.
Luscious Jackson
Once asked a crowd of 16 year olds to stop throwing plastic bottles at them on Randall’s Island. Welcome to New York you sub moronic Liberal Midwestern College attending Beastie Boyettes. A very wet Luscious Jackson high tailed it off the stage that afternoon.
Massive Attack
They’re no House Martins.
Madonna (Louise Ciccone)
Pontiac Michigan, home of the Queen’s English and cradle of Middle Eastern mystic belief systems that have their own advertising firms.
Marroon 5
The whole idea of this band was to have Robot and Dr. Smith droppin mad lyrics while Don up rocked the vinyl. Oh, Maroon 5! I thought this was something else.
John Mayer
I thought this was the 2004 Bob Dylan; Eddie Bauer edition.
Mekons
A band that named themselves after a questionable Vietnam War altercation politicical? Nah?
Wynton Marsalis
Saw him perform an outdoor show, everyone was smoking weed and throwing frisbies, I don’t think a single person knew he was on stage.
Sarah McLaughlin
Close eyes, tap slippers together, and September the 11th will magically go away.
Ethyl Meatplow
Stole their name from an STP song.
Natalie Merchant
10,000 Maniacs (AKA Al Queda)
Metallica
Not buying it, Hatfield is a closet Republican, and Kirk Hammit is JoJo his evil biting Minkey.
Mighty Mighty Bosstones
A band that actually was killed off by the fact Sublime was just not going to release any more albums.
Mudhoney
The suck metal hair bands of the 80’s have been replaced with the canned heavy nipple and belly pierced boy metal bands of this lousy century.
NOFX
No fucking talent either.
Graham Nash
Hey can I have some of your purple berries? Go buy your own purple berries you filthy dope fairy.
Nine Inch Nails
And the last hit they had was twelve years ago.
Nirvana (following the suicide death of the band's
lead singer the group has worked under the name 'Food
Fighters')
The Food Fighters you say?
No Doubt
Almost pulled a Bosstones until people magazine decided Gwen Stefani was a cutie and they made her sing cover songs that were already hits but sucked.
Oasis
This band is too busy throwing empty bottles of Pim’s #1 and Malteezers at each other to even matter any more.
The Offspring
If I were 12 I would think these guys are cool because they’re just like the Sex Pistols, but with a lot of Weird Al thrown in.
Sinead O'Connor
Doesn’t Prince still have a Jihad on her for “Nothing Compares 2U?” (I hate when people write like this, it should be punishable by a good Keel Haulin’)
Joan Osbourne
She’s no Ozzy, though she once bit the head off of Kenny Wayne Sheppard.
Pavement
I thought Pavement and Helmet was the same band.
Pearl Jam
And the sailor wore a peg leg! This guy has been stealing sailor shanties for the past ten years and Rolling Stone thinks he’s the most important thing in music since Wilco. I used to buy glow-in-the-dark dinosaurs in Wilco and eat them to see if my stomach would light up.
Liz Phair
If the fact that I can eat a block of wasabi and wash it down with an octet of double espressos does not impress this chick, forget her.
Kate Pierson (B-52s)
Trying to get Atlanta annexed to the Soviet Union since 1978
Iggy Pop
George Bush has made it harder and harder for honest American junk fiends to get anything but Mexican Brown or that Eastern European shit.
Posum Dixon
I thought this movie was banned by the Peoples Republic of Uncle Remus’ Cabin.
Presidents of the United States of America
There was way too much weed passed around when this band was formed. The guy was too stoned to put those strings back on his guitar for seven years. I wonder what his lawn looks like. Mow that lawn you lazy pothead!
Primus
At some point we all said. “What the fuck did I buy this album for?” but it was too late. The naisly crooning of Les Claypool would forever haunt our airwaves whenever 90’s flashback freakout is played on a Viacom radio station. (which are all of them now except for two in the Yak-Pooh Province of Centrifugal Mongolia)
Public Enemy
Any band that groups me in with some elite group of slave owning rich white folk can tell me to face. I may be a poor ass mongrel but I will put my fist through that clock and keep going.
Queens of the Stone Age
Not the Queens of the Stone Age too! I liked their last album, not as much as I wanted to but I was cool. Ah, fuck them, What that album really needed was far more singer from Screaming Trees, what’s his name; Gilligan Hitler something…
Radiohead
Now you’re killing me, not Thom Yorke! He was great as Will Robinson in that Lost in Space remake however.
R.E.M.
Everybody sucks, especially this band. Not since “Reckoning” have these guys done a fucking inspirational composition that did not have radio friendly pissed all over it.
Rage Against the Machine
If this band liked anyone except Chez Guevara and Castro I would become very worried. Communism works, just try not to trip over the 65 Million dead non-atheists laying about.
Rancid
Oh my, this is not a band, it’s a record companies attempt to tell us Punk was actually invented in California in 1996.
Lou Rawls
Lou Rawls brings back the anxiety of being stuck in the back seat of my dad’ Buick with my mom working her magic on the AM static and getting “You’re gonna’ miss my lovin’” stuck in my head until my 29th birthday.
Redd Kross
Who? “Warm it up Redd!”
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Never did anything worth mention after “Real men don’t kill Coyotes”, that and Kedis was barred from performing on Sesame St. after being arrested on a sex assault charge. It’s a good thing he’s in a position to give me morals.
Henry Rollins
There’s a story about him where he had his teeth knocked out by Flo from Alice.
Linda Ronstadt
Couldn’t get arrested in Utah for a lewd act with a petting zoo.
Screaming Trees
Another band that has not put out a goddamn thing in ten years. Where did this nut get this list?
Peter Seeger
This guy still thinks we’re in Nam.
Seven Year B*tch
Lousy name. Even Beaver Brown had a cooler name than these guys, and they were named after paint.
Bobby Short
Nope.
Sixpence None The Richer
Another one hit mystery.
Smashing Pumpkins
Thanks for making us wait in the rain for a half hour so we could hear about your atheism. No one gave a fuck, did you think you were in Kentucky or something. Get off the stage you bowl of dick.
Sonic Youth
Already on the list.
Soul Asylum
Done, one hit, ten years ago.
Soundgarden
Became AudioSuck; next…
Bruce Sprinsteen
You know how I feel about nooding saxophone solos that just go on aimlessly.
Stone Temple Pilots
Broke up and became Gun’s and Pilots and it’s laughable.
Paul Stookey (Peter, Paul & Mary)
The thing that disturbs me the most is the distorted view of what these people have against anyone who thinks differently, and it plays from both sides, but both sides need to a) smoke some pot and mellow out. Or b) stop spending your social security on pot because your burnt, paranoid and have nothing to offer any more.
Barbra Streisand
She needs to stop with the social commentary already, (so do I but if you think for a second I take any of this seriously than you’re a bigger ass than most I can comprehend.)
The Strokes
Any band that includes Guided By Voices in their videos is cool. Fucking cool even if they played the same set twice at the Apollo when they shared the bill with GBV.
Sugar
Disappeared off the face of the Earth like my Jumbo Darth Vader’s light saber did when I was eight.
Superchunk
Like naming a band “Jabber Jaw”
Matthew Sweet
What’s up with Girlfriend, is that song to a guy or something, cus if it is I’m going to stop singing it out loud.
James Taylor
Saw James open up for Slayer at Lamore East on Long Island, I had to get my ears stitched back on at the end of the show, man he was a crazy mother fucker, he drank a cats blood. Oh wait, maybe it was King Diamond.
10,000 Maniacs
Natalie dumped this band as soon as she was told she could make money without them and not have to split the profits.
That Dog
Still in Re-runs. Marlowe Thomas, Fred Berry and Jim Neighbors as Cap’n Erotica, the whacky and overtly flamboyant building superintendent. They just don’t write shows like that anymore.
311
This was the band someone tired to tell me invented Ska, another idiot told me Nirvana invented punk. To my credit I did not offer free dental work.
Tool
To artsy to be metal, mediocre songs with videos that sometimes are almost cool, but that’s pretty much music now anyway.
Mary Travers (Peter, Paul & Mary)
Caught her on the same bill as Slayer
U2
I don’t know if I find U2 Funny, contemptuous or a bunch of assholes more.
Suzanne Vega
The only really good thing to come from Suzanne was R.E.M. doing that cover of her stupid “doot-doot-doota, doot-doot-doota” thing and making up inane lyrics.
Velvet Revolver
By the time I post this on the web; Scott Weiland will get arrested trying to buy drugs from a sixth grader, go to rehab and start another band that still does not come close to STP.
Veruca Salt
How did this band get away with ripping of Rohl Dhal but “The Scott Fargus Incident” had a lawsuit on them before they could utter the name?
Tom Waits
The first time I head Tom Waits was in a friend of mine’s car crossing the 59th street bridge, he put on “I’ll take New York” and a sea of hobos encircled us and began wiping the windows with dirty mittens and used underwear. Where do you go from there?
Weezer
Hash Pipe has some Mathew Sweet “Girlfriend” overtones but they all ripped of “Lola” anyway.
White Stripes
Jack White is to guitar what Ronco is to crap. Crap. “He ripped it down to the bare essentials of rock and roll man!” no, he just picked up on shit that did this sixty five years ago and no gen X,Y or Z can name a single musician from back then so we think it’s new.
Peter Yarrow (Peter, Paul & Mary)
Why couldn’t this dumb ass put peter, paul and mary in the same list. Was he afraid they would escape or be turned loose on the earth like Boba Fett and Mike Tyson?
X
Not a band, it’s an OS, I’m using it right now.
Yo La Tengo
I never know what to make of this band.
Neil Young
Had six tour busses built that run on Peter Paul and Mary’s farts. This must be the reason the hole in the ozone is getting smaller all of the sudden, that or maybe we don’t have a fucking clue and we’re too busy reading snippets from the ticker beneath the Entertainment Tonight banner as Brittany’s tits flap around and make us buy Dodge Durangos.
Here is a list of music groups that actively contribute or have contributed in the past to left-wing groups like Planned Parenthood, Moveon.org, the Democratic National Committee, or other extreme left-wing groups; most notably; ”Communists for making moccasins out of hemp and the baby soft skin of your god fearing white children”, and the “People for the Ethical Treatment of Rhubarb”. This list was Compiled by AmericanConservative.com and ConservativesForFreedom.org and was subsequently “schmaltzed” up by your’s truly.
Alice in Chains
Layne Staylee should have boycotted that last heroin fix! It took the M.E. a week to figure out what the hell the festering ooze was on the floor of his Seattle apartment (It was him). He truly is the man in the box, buried in his shit. Nice going Layne.
Audioslave
I boycotted this pathetic attempt to sound like SoundGarden meets Rage Against the Machine when I heard the album, you’d think getting your chocolate in the Peanut Butter would taste great, well it tastes like shit.
Babes in Toyland
Oh, fuck the LA music scene, who gives a hell. Pay to Play, Apply makeup to Play. You’d think Hanoi Rocks, a band that had limited appeal and no airplay would not be in danger of being the centerpiece of an otherwise dull rock movement 25 years after Vince Neal is still cleaning Razzle (the drummer, not the substance altering candy) from the back seat of his ’69 GTO
Joan Baez
I would rather put my face in a wood chipper that sit through her Woodstock performance of “Joe Hill” again.
Beastie Boys
Fuck them for dissing The Prodigy and warning him not to sing “Smack my Bitch Up”, the Beastie’s had three good albums and they know it. I’ll kick them in the ass like Mr. Spock and beat them with a wiffle ball bat.
Harry Belafonte
Come Mistah Tallyman, the man’s carrier was a novelty to white folk.
Tony Bennett
Tony is the musical equivalent to John Voight’s character in “Midnight Cowboy”
Bikini Kill
Mediocre name, which says far more than the abilities of this band.
Bjork
She’s into that whole smoked herring for breakfast thing. Her whole country is going to be a warm pee spot in the Atlantic in another 10 years.
Black Crowes
These guys would look for loose buds in Slash’s afro if they were jonesin'
Black Flag
Besides the embracing of MTV and subsequent betrayal, what did Henry Rollins ever really do that’s memorable?
Mary J. Blige
R&B became known as “Rap and Bullshit” the moment Marvin Gaye was killed.
Blink 182
They invented Ska I was told. And all this time I thought it was the Kingston music scene in Jamaica c. 1960.
Blur
I like blur, American radio has never given these guys a fair shake.
David Byrne
He’s a musical genius, look; his sleeves are too big!
Roseanne Cash
A boy named Roseanne.
Belinda Carlisle
She’s looking like a doughy Brian Denehey these days.
Tracy Chapman
Blames the GOP for that tarantula on her head.
Coldplay
RadioHead on medication, dull and far less entertaining.
Judy Collins
That’s the last time I do skin cuttings to “Both Sides Now” from now on I’m strictly a Janice Ian fan.
Cowboy Junkies
The Scepeltura of sleep rock.
The Cranberries
What was up with “Zombie”? Is that pro IRA or are they against “Lucky” the cereal dependent leprechaun?
Sheryl Crowe
Waiting for her to pull a Layne Staylee.
Dave Matthews Band
There from Africa, no; they’re from Virginia, no wait, they throw poop on sightseers. The Neil Diamonds of Dead Heads. Listen; Any “Crunchie” band my mom thinks is cool is not, Case closed.
Dixie Chicks
No one gave a filthy fuck about these broads until Yahoo thought it was earth-shattering news they had some political opinion in Europe. Remember Europe? It’s the Muslim capital of Europe.
Neil Diamonds
“Coming to America” is my queue to grab all my shit from the ground and get out of the parking lot before all the other assholes who came to see fireworks do.
Bob Dylan
What did Jimi Hendrix ever, EVER hear in this guy.
The Eagles
Anyone who ever bought one of their albums can never quite figure out why. If I hear “Hotel California” 11 million years from now it will be too soon. Noting will ever come close to “The Greeks don’t want to Freaks”
Melissa Etheridge
If she wasn’t a lesbian would anyone give a shit about her music?
Everclear
Two albums later this band refuses to abandon the same melody.
Everlast
They lost all musical credibility when “Jump Around” was used for the birthday scene in “Mrs. Doubtfire.”
Face to Face
I totally drew a blank on this one. If anyone know’s who this is let me know. I’m too lazy to check the internet.
Faith No More
They ain’t no Mr. Bungle.
Filter
Hey man, Nice shot, nice shot man, what a good shot man, hey man, nice…Hey man! One hit!
Fishbone
Fuck them fully, Anthony attempted to rape my cousin in a San Deigo hotel room and Sunless Saturday is a complete rip of Iron Maiden’s “The Trooper”
Foo Fighters (formerly Nirvana)
I’ll forgive Dave Grohl, but I won’t forgive this base head who compiled these names for the “formerly Nirvana” thing.
Stone Fox
Come here ya’ big dummy, I got a nice knuckle samuich for you!
Fugazi
I thought all punk bands from the 80’s had spent all the cash from selling their songs to car companies. So much for Anti Establishment.
Peter Gabriel
I stopped listening when he took the giant frog costume off.
Garbage
They’re Scottish and not liking Rod Stewart is punishable by being tossed in a bog over there.
Steve Gatlin (Gatlin Brothers)
Achy Breaky Neck. The above parentheses are the most I’ve heard from the Gatlin Brothers since 1985.
Godsmack
Lets see; they named themselves after an AIC song, unabashedly sound like an Alice in Chains cover band and they sold their music to the Air Force for recruitment commercials.
Kim Gordon (Corina and Sonic Youth)
Thurston Moore grew up the sole inheritor of Thurston Howell’s estate, it was paid to him in coconuts.
Green Day
Don’t get me started on this retarded candy rapped punk band from our viable friends in the record industry. Since when is Punk politically concerned? I liked it far better when they realized it was ALL bullshit. When Punk starts telling me what to do and it’s not shoving shopping carts into busy intersections then it’s time for me to call Punk a bunch of Punks.
Arlo Guthrie
If you are still smoking weed at age 85 I’m going to have to ask you the shut the fuck up.
Deborah Harry
Ah, the sands of time have not been kind to this one.
Juliana Hatfield
Who would win in a fight with her and James Hatfield, or Dr. McCoy?
Sophie B. Hawkins
I think I just saw her second billed on the Marquee for Howard Johnson’s on the way to work.
Helmet
I don’t know where I just went for this one, I’m thinking Helmut Kohl, and Shultz from Hogans Hero’s; Hey Shultzie, will ya’ let us escape for this delicious bar of chocolate?
Hole
I wanna sell as many albums as Dave Grohl, but I never will…
Climb back in that hole Courtney and stop driving around wasted with your daughter in the car, what the kind of parent fuck are you?
Indigo Girls
Once again, exalted by the Lesbian Mafia.
Janes Addiction
Yes, I need a bunch of self medicated bi-polar idiots to tell me how to vote.
Joan Jett
It’s like Agril Lagvine all over again.
Jewell
Has more ass than Alaska has Salmon.
Lady Miss Kier
I can’t say anything bad to anyone who has had Q-Tip guest on her album.
L7
The scariest band I have ever heard live, they sonically violated me. One of the last bands I can truly call hard.
Led Zeppelins
Not the Led Zeppelins! I have all their albumses; Led Zeppelins One’s, Two’s Three’s, Stairways to Heavens to Megatroids, Led Zeppelin has not released an album since 1981, and money from Jimmy’s “Led Wallet” Page’s offerings go straight to the Jimmy Page Arm Candy Fund.
Letters to Cleo
One hit, and I can’t even remember it. I guess they cool if you’re a big Dawson’s Creek kinda fellah. “Screw the Steelers game Ed, I gotta find out if Paige is going to confront Ashleigh for asking Kyle to take her to the Pearl Jam concert! Put on the WB now!”
Living Colour
I could never cover the song “Cult of Personality” without inducing myself into a Jacksonian seizure on my Washburn “Wunderbar” and laughing my ass off at the same time. Muzz and Calhoon were the real force behind that band anyway.
Lunachicks
A band that does not live up to their name.
Luscious Jackson
Once asked a crowd of 16 year olds to stop throwing plastic bottles at them on Randall’s Island. Welcome to New York you sub moronic Liberal Midwestern College attending Beastie Boyettes. A very wet Luscious Jackson high tailed it off the stage that afternoon.
Massive Attack
They’re no House Martins.
Madonna (Louise Ciccone)
Pontiac Michigan, home of the Queen’s English and cradle of Middle Eastern mystic belief systems that have their own advertising firms.
Marroon 5
The whole idea of this band was to have Robot and Dr. Smith droppin mad lyrics while Don up rocked the vinyl. Oh, Maroon 5! I thought this was something else.
John Mayer
I thought this was the 2004 Bob Dylan; Eddie Bauer edition.
Mekons
A band that named themselves after a questionable Vietnam War altercation politicical? Nah?
Wynton Marsalis
Saw him perform an outdoor show, everyone was smoking weed and throwing frisbies, I don’t think a single person knew he was on stage.
Sarah McLaughlin
Close eyes, tap slippers together, and September the 11th will magically go away.
Ethyl Meatplow
Stole their name from an STP song.
Natalie Merchant
10,000 Maniacs (AKA Al Queda)
Metallica
Not buying it, Hatfield is a closet Republican, and Kirk Hammit is JoJo his evil biting Minkey.
Mighty Mighty Bosstones
A band that actually was killed off by the fact Sublime was just not going to release any more albums.
Mudhoney
The suck metal hair bands of the 80’s have been replaced with the canned heavy nipple and belly pierced boy metal bands of this lousy century.
NOFX
No fucking talent either.
Graham Nash
Hey can I have some of your purple berries? Go buy your own purple berries you filthy dope fairy.
Nine Inch Nails
And the last hit they had was twelve years ago.
Nirvana (following the suicide death of the band's
lead singer the group has worked under the name 'Food
Fighters')
The Food Fighters you say?
No Doubt
Almost pulled a Bosstones until people magazine decided Gwen Stefani was a cutie and they made her sing cover songs that were already hits but sucked.
Oasis
This band is too busy throwing empty bottles of Pim’s #1 and Malteezers at each other to even matter any more.
The Offspring
If I were 12 I would think these guys are cool because they’re just like the Sex Pistols, but with a lot of Weird Al thrown in.
Sinead O'Connor
Doesn’t Prince still have a Jihad on her for “Nothing Compares 2U?” (I hate when people write like this, it should be punishable by a good Keel Haulin’)
Joan Osbourne
She’s no Ozzy, though she once bit the head off of Kenny Wayne Sheppard.
Pavement
I thought Pavement and Helmet was the same band.
Pearl Jam
And the sailor wore a peg leg! This guy has been stealing sailor shanties for the past ten years and Rolling Stone thinks he’s the most important thing in music since Wilco. I used to buy glow-in-the-dark dinosaurs in Wilco and eat them to see if my stomach would light up.
Liz Phair
If the fact that I can eat a block of wasabi and wash it down with an octet of double espressos does not impress this chick, forget her.
Kate Pierson (B-52s)
Trying to get Atlanta annexed to the Soviet Union since 1978
Iggy Pop
George Bush has made it harder and harder for honest American junk fiends to get anything but Mexican Brown or that Eastern European shit.
Posum Dixon
I thought this movie was banned by the Peoples Republic of Uncle Remus’ Cabin.
Presidents of the United States of America
There was way too much weed passed around when this band was formed. The guy was too stoned to put those strings back on his guitar for seven years. I wonder what his lawn looks like. Mow that lawn you lazy pothead!
Primus
At some point we all said. “What the fuck did I buy this album for?” but it was too late. The naisly crooning of Les Claypool would forever haunt our airwaves whenever 90’s flashback freakout is played on a Viacom radio station. (which are all of them now except for two in the Yak-Pooh Province of Centrifugal Mongolia)
Public Enemy
Any band that groups me in with some elite group of slave owning rich white folk can tell me to face. I may be a poor ass mongrel but I will put my fist through that clock and keep going.
Queens of the Stone Age
Not the Queens of the Stone Age too! I liked their last album, not as much as I wanted to but I was cool. Ah, fuck them, What that album really needed was far more singer from Screaming Trees, what’s his name; Gilligan Hitler something…
Radiohead
Now you’re killing me, not Thom Yorke! He was great as Will Robinson in that Lost in Space remake however.
R.E.M.
Everybody sucks, especially this band. Not since “Reckoning” have these guys done a fucking inspirational composition that did not have radio friendly pissed all over it.
Rage Against the Machine
If this band liked anyone except Chez Guevara and Castro I would become very worried. Communism works, just try not to trip over the 65 Million dead non-atheists laying about.
Rancid
Oh my, this is not a band, it’s a record companies attempt to tell us Punk was actually invented in California in 1996.
Lou Rawls
Lou Rawls brings back the anxiety of being stuck in the back seat of my dad’ Buick with my mom working her magic on the AM static and getting “You’re gonna’ miss my lovin’” stuck in my head until my 29th birthday.
Redd Kross
Who? “Warm it up Redd!”
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Never did anything worth mention after “Real men don’t kill Coyotes”, that and Kedis was barred from performing on Sesame St. after being arrested on a sex assault charge. It’s a good thing he’s in a position to give me morals.
Henry Rollins
There’s a story about him where he had his teeth knocked out by Flo from Alice.
Linda Ronstadt
Couldn’t get arrested in Utah for a lewd act with a petting zoo.
Screaming Trees
Another band that has not put out a goddamn thing in ten years. Where did this nut get this list?
Peter Seeger
This guy still thinks we’re in Nam.
Seven Year B*tch
Lousy name. Even Beaver Brown had a cooler name than these guys, and they were named after paint.
Bobby Short
Nope.
Sixpence None The Richer
Another one hit mystery.
Smashing Pumpkins
Thanks for making us wait in the rain for a half hour so we could hear about your atheism. No one gave a fuck, did you think you were in Kentucky or something. Get off the stage you bowl of dick.
Sonic Youth
Already on the list.
Soul Asylum
Done, one hit, ten years ago.
Soundgarden
Became AudioSuck; next…
Bruce Sprinsteen
You know how I feel about nooding saxophone solos that just go on aimlessly.
Stone Temple Pilots
Broke up and became Gun’s and Pilots and it’s laughable.
Paul Stookey (Peter, Paul & Mary)
The thing that disturbs me the most is the distorted view of what these people have against anyone who thinks differently, and it plays from both sides, but both sides need to a) smoke some pot and mellow out. Or b) stop spending your social security on pot because your burnt, paranoid and have nothing to offer any more.
Barbra Streisand
She needs to stop with the social commentary already, (so do I but if you think for a second I take any of this seriously than you’re a bigger ass than most I can comprehend.)
The Strokes
Any band that includes Guided By Voices in their videos is cool. Fucking cool even if they played the same set twice at the Apollo when they shared the bill with GBV.
Sugar
Disappeared off the face of the Earth like my Jumbo Darth Vader’s light saber did when I was eight.
Superchunk
Like naming a band “Jabber Jaw”
Matthew Sweet
What’s up with Girlfriend, is that song to a guy or something, cus if it is I’m going to stop singing it out loud.
James Taylor
Saw James open up for Slayer at Lamore East on Long Island, I had to get my ears stitched back on at the end of the show, man he was a crazy mother fucker, he drank a cats blood. Oh wait, maybe it was King Diamond.
10,000 Maniacs
Natalie dumped this band as soon as she was told she could make money without them and not have to split the profits.
That Dog
Still in Re-runs. Marlowe Thomas, Fred Berry and Jim Neighbors as Cap’n Erotica, the whacky and overtly flamboyant building superintendent. They just don’t write shows like that anymore.
311
This was the band someone tired to tell me invented Ska, another idiot told me Nirvana invented punk. To my credit I did not offer free dental work.
Tool
To artsy to be metal, mediocre songs with videos that sometimes are almost cool, but that’s pretty much music now anyway.
Mary Travers (Peter, Paul & Mary)
Caught her on the same bill as Slayer
U2
I don’t know if I find U2 Funny, contemptuous or a bunch of assholes more.
Suzanne Vega
The only really good thing to come from Suzanne was R.E.M. doing that cover of her stupid “doot-doot-doota, doot-doot-doota” thing and making up inane lyrics.
Velvet Revolver
By the time I post this on the web; Scott Weiland will get arrested trying to buy drugs from a sixth grader, go to rehab and start another band that still does not come close to STP.
Veruca Salt
How did this band get away with ripping of Rohl Dhal but “The Scott Fargus Incident” had a lawsuit on them before they could utter the name?
Tom Waits
The first time I head Tom Waits was in a friend of mine’s car crossing the 59th street bridge, he put on “I’ll take New York” and a sea of hobos encircled us and began wiping the windows with dirty mittens and used underwear. Where do you go from there?
Weezer
Hash Pipe has some Mathew Sweet “Girlfriend” overtones but they all ripped of “Lola” anyway.
White Stripes
Jack White is to guitar what Ronco is to crap. Crap. “He ripped it down to the bare essentials of rock and roll man!” no, he just picked up on shit that did this sixty five years ago and no gen X,Y or Z can name a single musician from back then so we think it’s new.
Peter Yarrow (Peter, Paul & Mary)
Why couldn’t this dumb ass put peter, paul and mary in the same list. Was he afraid they would escape or be turned loose on the earth like Boba Fett and Mike Tyson?
X
Not a band, it’s an OS, I’m using it right now.
Yo La Tengo
I never know what to make of this band.
Neil Young
Had six tour busses built that run on Peter Paul and Mary’s farts. This must be the reason the hole in the ozone is getting smaller all of the sudden, that or maybe we don’t have a fucking clue and we’re too busy reading snippets from the ticker beneath the Entertainment Tonight banner as Brittany’s tits flap around and make us buy Dodge Durangos.
posted by jimmy3000 @ 11:57 AM
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