Friday is “Talk like Tom Waits Day”

So what I’m telling you is not to quote Tom (anyone can do that)

You need to “Talk like Tom”

So I don’t wanna’ see anyone saying ‘I got hair on mah chest, I look good withouda’ shoit!, you need to come up with your own smoke voiced rendition of what happened.

For example, you see someone seeking to covet the sandwich you brought in you say:

“I saw Emily from Accounts Payable was goin’ sweet on mah veal cutlet, that whole bee hive stuffed in the icebox like the drunk tank on Thanksgivin’.”

Or if you dropped your keys in your friends toilet and you don’t want to reach for them.

“Mr. Pepperoni; the Italian butcher peppered the room like a Chicago Blue-Plate-Jackson-Pollack retribution, and there ain’t enough black keys in the devils teeth to play them 88’s.

Remember to drink plenty of Bourbon before going to you job, try to arrive sometime around ‘The crack of noon’, be vague, without continuity, and if your boss asks you where you’re monthly report respond with:

“I woke up teeth down in the alley after eleven rounds with the Reverend Joe Louis, but I can pawn these clown shoes I found for few dimes for a Lucky Strike and Bushmills.”