A Brief Addendum To Jimmy3000's List of Crappiest Films
Subtitle: This Blog Is Turning Into A Shrill Complaint-fest But I Love It
The Ring
I had the highest hopes for this film, based on the cool-looking trailers (I know, bad judgement... Trailers make many sub-par movies appealing).
I cannot believe I invested 2 hours of my life in this mess about a videotape that causes people to die with post-bowel movement distorted faces, only to find out it is because a creepy dead girl is hidden down a well and a woman's horses died. If you are scratching your head, chin or crack in puzzlement, I just described the entire plot to you. There is nothing to fill in between, other than gratuitous film school lens filters, overused Nine Inch Nails video-style color dampening and flash transitions. This poo was based on a Japanese film titled Ringu, which I plan never to see.
The Sixth Sense
Some of you may disagree, but I categorized this tripe under "Overrated - Just like There's Something About Mary."
Bruce Willis hangs out with a young precocious boy! Ooooohhhh. The boy sees dead people! Zoinks! What? Bruce Willis is dead all along? Egad! What a mindfuck! My mind was bent over and reemed up the poopchute over and over and then abused by having large objects inserted into it! It was raped senseless with a big pine cone-like phallus until it bled, bombarded with the brilliance of too-clever plot devices, designed to baffle me and tell all my co-workers around the water cooler! Oh my god? Did you see that movie? Can you believe it? Plot Twist! Genius! What I do not discuss with them is how after-hours I methodically dip my sac into each individual cup that they are drinking out of, making the dudes all secretly gay!
F YOU M. Night Shambala Chumbawumba - your films are mediocre schlockfests manufactured for understimulated yentas and their dull counterparts. People that love your movies generally listen to Atlantis Morrisette and drink "latte." It is status quo, bourgeois, it is absolute cock. Just because you make odd cameos in your own films does not place you in the realm of Hitchcock! The Village sucked too. Thankfully, most people I know disliked it, restoring my faith in my peers, temporarily. If you want see a somewhat decent take on the same theme as Sixth Sense, see The Others. While it is not the greatest film ever made, it has good atmospherics and watching Nicole Kidman fret and grimace for 2 hours is not excrutiating.
Any Film With John Travolta
I consider John Travolta as equally offensive as The Beach Boys. I do not understand his resurgent popularity. I do not enjoy looking at his big, ass-like pudgey head and listening to his weird, semi-high-pitched (Who's Hi-pitch), annoying, not-quite-southern-accent-inflected voice. I liked Pulp Fiction but did not spray tadpoles at the mere mention of the title. I thought Travolta dragged down Samuel L. Jackson, and the so-called "brilliant" dialogues about Quarter Pounders in France was just ok, nothing more. Get Shorty deserves its own spot on this list, but being an Elmore Leonard fan, I will not defame his work, even if Travolta desecrated it. That god-damned movie where he plays a fat, filthy angel? A fitting role indeed. The L. Ron Hubbard movie disaster, Battlefield Earth... A pro-Scientology propaganda-piece. From what I have learned about the cult of Scientology, I am skeptical. That is a whole other topic to be visited later on. Back to our subject, Travolta is a fat, tubby, talentless anus whose current popularity can be attribute to the 70's nostalgia-minded dimwits that loved a TV program such as Welcome Back Kotter. Need I say more? Here is a full list of his offensive assault upon my limited entertainment time and core values:
Ladder 49 (2004), Love Song for Bobby Long, A (2004), Punisher, The (2004), Basic (2003), Domestic Disturbance (2001)
Swordfish (2001), Lucky Numbers (2000), Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 (2000), General's Daughter, The (1999)
Civil Action, A (1998), Thin Red Line, The (1998), Primary Colors (1998), Mad City (1997), Face Off (1997), She's So Lovely (1997), Michael (1996), Phenomenon (1996), Broken Arrow (1996), Get Shorty (1995), White Man's Burden (1995), Pulp Fiction (1994), Look Who's Talking Now (1993), Shout (1991), Eyes of an Angel (1991), Look Who's Talking Too (1990), Experts, The (1989), Look Who's Talking (1989), Basements (1987), Perfect (1985), Staying Alive (1983), Two of a Kind (1983), Blow Out (1981), Urban Cowboy (1980), Moment by Moment (1978), Grease (1978), Saturday Night Fever (1977), Boy in the Plastic Bubble, The (1976), Carrie (1976), "Welcome Back, Kotter" (1975) TV Series
Brilliant.
By Divine Right I am qualified to assume all these successful filmmakers are morons, that investors and studios just throw money at them for no reason at all and that my opinion is more important than the popular consensus (i.e. patrons of the box office). It is not important that anyone knows that I seek out and extol the counterpoint to anything that the popular media hypes and spoon-feeds us.
Support Independent film.
Subtitle: This Blog Is Turning Into A Shrill Complaint-fest But I Love It
The Ring
I had the highest hopes for this film, based on the cool-looking trailers (I know, bad judgement... Trailers make many sub-par movies appealing).
I cannot believe I invested 2 hours of my life in this mess about a videotape that causes people to die with post-bowel movement distorted faces, only to find out it is because a creepy dead girl is hidden down a well and a woman's horses died. If you are scratching your head, chin or crack in puzzlement, I just described the entire plot to you. There is nothing to fill in between, other than gratuitous film school lens filters, overused Nine Inch Nails video-style color dampening and flash transitions. This poo was based on a Japanese film titled Ringu, which I plan never to see.
The Sixth Sense
Some of you may disagree, but I categorized this tripe under "Overrated - Just like There's Something About Mary."
Bruce Willis hangs out with a young precocious boy! Ooooohhhh. The boy sees dead people! Zoinks! What? Bruce Willis is dead all along? Egad! What a mindfuck! My mind was bent over and reemed up the poopchute over and over and then abused by having large objects inserted into it! It was raped senseless with a big pine cone-like phallus until it bled, bombarded with the brilliance of too-clever plot devices, designed to baffle me and tell all my co-workers around the water cooler! Oh my god? Did you see that movie? Can you believe it? Plot Twist! Genius! What I do not discuss with them is how after-hours I methodically dip my sac into each individual cup that they are drinking out of, making the dudes all secretly gay!
F YOU M. Night Shambala Chumbawumba - your films are mediocre schlockfests manufactured for understimulated yentas and their dull counterparts. People that love your movies generally listen to Atlantis Morrisette and drink "latte." It is status quo, bourgeois, it is absolute cock. Just because you make odd cameos in your own films does not place you in the realm of Hitchcock! The Village sucked too. Thankfully, most people I know disliked it, restoring my faith in my peers, temporarily. If you want see a somewhat decent take on the same theme as Sixth Sense, see The Others. While it is not the greatest film ever made, it has good atmospherics and watching Nicole Kidman fret and grimace for 2 hours is not excrutiating.
Any Film With John Travolta
I consider John Travolta as equally offensive as The Beach Boys. I do not understand his resurgent popularity. I do not enjoy looking at his big, ass-like pudgey head and listening to his weird, semi-high-pitched (Who's Hi-pitch), annoying, not-quite-southern-accent-inflected voice. I liked Pulp Fiction but did not spray tadpoles at the mere mention of the title. I thought Travolta dragged down Samuel L. Jackson, and the so-called "brilliant" dialogues about Quarter Pounders in France was just ok, nothing more. Get Shorty deserves its own spot on this list, but being an Elmore Leonard fan, I will not defame his work, even if Travolta desecrated it. That god-damned movie where he plays a fat, filthy angel? A fitting role indeed. The L. Ron Hubbard movie disaster, Battlefield Earth... A pro-Scientology propaganda-piece. From what I have learned about the cult of Scientology, I am skeptical. That is a whole other topic to be visited later on. Back to our subject, Travolta is a fat, tubby, talentless anus whose current popularity can be attribute to the 70's nostalgia-minded dimwits that loved a TV program such as Welcome Back Kotter. Need I say more? Here is a full list of his offensive assault upon my limited entertainment time and core values:
Ladder 49 (2004), Love Song for Bobby Long, A (2004), Punisher, The (2004), Basic (2003), Domestic Disturbance (2001)
Swordfish (2001), Lucky Numbers (2000), Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 (2000), General's Daughter, The (1999)
Civil Action, A (1998), Thin Red Line, The (1998), Primary Colors (1998), Mad City (1997), Face Off (1997), She's So Lovely (1997), Michael (1996), Phenomenon (1996), Broken Arrow (1996), Get Shorty (1995), White Man's Burden (1995), Pulp Fiction (1994), Look Who's Talking Now (1993), Shout (1991), Eyes of an Angel (1991), Look Who's Talking Too (1990), Experts, The (1989), Look Who's Talking (1989), Basements (1987), Perfect (1985), Staying Alive (1983), Two of a Kind (1983), Blow Out (1981), Urban Cowboy (1980), Moment by Moment (1978), Grease (1978), Saturday Night Fever (1977), Boy in the Plastic Bubble, The (1976), Carrie (1976), "Welcome Back, Kotter" (1975) TV Series
Brilliant.
By Divine Right I am qualified to assume all these successful filmmakers are morons, that investors and studios just throw money at them for no reason at all and that my opinion is more important than the popular consensus (i.e. patrons of the box office). It is not important that anyone knows that I seek out and extol the counterpoint to anything that the popular media hypes and spoon-feeds us.
Support Independent film.
posted by tom @ 6:37 AM
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