Jimmy 3000’s top 7 ROCK guitarists of all time:

(Why seven? because it’s time to go home and I will add or edit later)

#1 Jimi Hendrix

#2 Jimi Hendrix.

Yes; he was THAT good, he gets both spots. Stop listening to “Foxy Lady” on Q-104 and go buy “Electric Ladyland” and pooh yourself with what this guy could do with a Strat, a four track and a fucking genius like Eddie Kramer behind the wheel of the mixing board before Hendrix was twenty seven years old. To me; Hendrix is the most viable composer since Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, and the most important single musician of the 20^th century. It’s sad to me when critics are calling him psychedelic or distorted, (or depressing and drug laced, they are hardly depressing and the “Drug references” do not exist except in the minds of dumbkoffs who insist the man put heroin in his bandana, well he never did, it’s Urban Legend; see Tom’s man-peppered toothbrush epic below!) listen to the goddamn albums, they were anything but, he was a scientist and an explorer and a painter with sound, very few people I’ve listened to had even attempted to approach music like this, maybe the Beatles, but it would take a breed of Nazi Super Beatles to even come close to mah homey, mah strobie, James Marshall Hendrix (I forgive him for worshiping Dylan more so than Rolling Stone. What was up with that?)

#3 Jimmy Page

Granted, the guy is more stoned than all of Berkley Campus was collectively in 1969 but I must give credit where credit is due. Jimmy Page was knew how to throw eight guitars on a track, each one doing something unique, but becoming a whole and this is why no one can ever play Led Zeppelin songs correctly, they’re missing all those parts, the only other guy I can name off the top of my head that did this was Brian May of Queen, who never makes it into Rolling Stones top 10,000 but should be in the first 5. Steve Morris does this too, but he was grown in a lab somewhere in Sweden or something.

#4 Django Reinhart and Robert Johnson

I can’t make up my mind on these two (Who’s #4 not if they were not good enough, holy living fuck are these guys good, you need to listen a few times but…), but if either one of these guys decided to go into Cross Country Yodeling or become Covert Ops Kill Squad Elite the music you call “Rock and Roll” would neither “Rock” nor would it “Roll” (I could probably live with out the “Roll”, but “Rock”, you gotta’ have “Rock”) I think they should have a show with Django and Robert as Covert Ops guys, like CSI: “Get yo’ black ass back on home” Slide Blues and Gypsy Be-Bop Unit. They could fight terrorists and skinheads with big dreadnaught sized acoustics like Chris’ dad did to his brother that time; but unlike the avenging six string combo of Django and Robert; Chuck was not a licensed crime fighter when he bestowed his Kung-Fu goodness over Dan’s head, however I did hear a “Shazam!”

#5 Doug Gillard

How the shit did Rock and Roll overlook this guy for so long? There is no excuse for it. Doug is a Massive player and most of you are probably scratching your heads going “Who the fuck is Doug Gillard?” and God Bless Bob Pollard for calling the Beach Boys out for what they are; A bunch of SUCKS!

#6 Pete Townsend

Yes, I actually put Gillard over Townsend but Pete is always overlooked as well, I should also point to some of the “Scarier” dudes in rock who play chords that have names like “Augmented fourth sharp eleventh” or “Diminished Minor Sixth” like Steve Howe and… well Steve Howe, also Greg Lake I suppose (and the guy from STP, he’s got some cool shit). I read somewhere where Emmerson, Lake and Palmer were voted the worst band in Rock History, and I do not agree with this. This is obviously a “Chick” vote, she probably had some ex-boyfriend that listened to “Brain Salad Surgery” religiously (as it should be listened to) and this was her way of saying she liked that guy Kyle better, as he listened to “Wham!” and put lots of gel in his hair and wore Chams shirts and drove a sliver mustang and let her choose the radio station as he had no fucking clue that music is not supposed to sound like your waiting for a table at “Applebee’s”; Well; fuck you Wham!, and Duran Duran and Motley Crüe and fuck you Kyle for taking Marsha away from Jeff or whatever his name was, because maybe he listened to “Brain Salad” a few times too many (on vinyl no less!), maybe his friends realized the genius that was “KarnEvil part 1” but you simpletons love that “E, A, D, A” shit, you eat it up and you feed your kids the same crap, but you blanket it in a stool infused wall of Mesa Boogie Tri Axis or Marshall 3000 amp, and rap to it and call it “Linkin Park” (Yes, the same “Linkin Park” that won the “Best Alternative Record of 2004”; Alternative to what: Limp Bizcut? Korn? You all suck. You cocks will probably succeed in destroying Rock and Roll as it never quite recovered from that malignant growth we called the 1980’s. That whole decade almost killed my beloved Rock and Roll when I went to High School and for that Mick Mars and Andy Taylor will never see the light of day on this list! And never mind that Andy was selling “Hendrix” guitars from Schecter. Hey Andy: Jimi never even heard of Shecter, they didn’t exist until the late 1970’s you smelly Euro-duche! Hendrix played Fender Stratocasters; ever hear of ‘em you hair sprayed flunkie? My fucking CAT knows this! May you suffer from hand crud and blacken all your unwound strings! Oh yea, and if it was not a chick who voted and I find out who you were I’ve got a nice Hawaiian Punch for yo’ bitzh azz. (It terrifies people when white folk speak in some ethnic colloquies that have been finely honed by the soulless demons of the music industry, either because we are delusional as if we really think we came from the projects or they think we’re from Omaha.) ‘Well…’ you say ‘well at least there is hope for Jeff, at least Jeff and his friends know what modern physics has proven long ago: “Tank” is the most perfectly brutal progression arrangement in the history of the universe and will continue to rock for many eons to come!’ right? No; Jeff was electrocuted in 1982 during a sold out Foghat/Cheap Trick bill; he was working the “Sippy-Pop” fountain at the Mr. Snausage kiosk inside the Kiki Dee Memorial Stadium in Philly when his newly installed afro detonated, afro-ing three and igniting the extra Jumbo “Diet Lemon-Ed” he was refilling under his apron at the time. Jeff and his badly damaged afro requested “Lucky Man” be played by his brothers garage band “Bloodsucking Onion” at the funeral.

Um… #7 Toni Iommi

In my book, no one has come close to this guy in true “Heavy Metal” with the exception of Kim Thayl from Soundgarden, not anyone in the 80’s that’s for fuck sake! Toni is the king of non-canned heavy, there are two components to his sound: Amp and Loud, not distortion pedals or massive walls of amps (Oh wait, he does use a massive wall of amps, that’s how the loud gets to your brains) Toni is the only guy who can take the doomiest, sludgiest meat from the belly of the shaggoth (What the Napalidono are made from according to the rest of “civilized” Italy.) and throw a jazz solo in the middle and it and end with the summoning of “Gargantuwatt the Belefesconian” and it sounds astounding. I dare Munkey or that mutton head Tom Morello try this (No Allen keys Tom!)