My America
Jimmy 3000

Recently found documents have uncovered a draft of John F. Kennedy’s inaugural speech that was discarded at the last moment. Kennedy foresaw that someday in the future an African American President was a likely possibility, however during the writing of this document Kennedy was distracted by the television airing of the Eva Gabor Sci-Fi classic “Angora Moon Chicks from Mars” and his attention quickly drifted elsewhere:

John F. Kennedy

I believe we will have our Negro president. Several million years from now, when the Earth is spent like a Provencetown dance hall drag queen, then the Negro will have his 40 acres, the Negro will have his mule or quite possibly a robot mule of some kind, and the world, by that time, will be ready to accept such a man for this most noble title of Negro President and to him; the endless stream of floozies that come with it.

Several million years from now, when all the white upper class Americans will have left that dried up whore of an Earth for those tight perky bosoms of the stars, we will leave for the endless possibilities of space and more over "space sex". It is in that time we will travel in fast, fast, wicked-fast space ships filled with really hot broads in mini skirts and alien booze that makes Scotch look like baby formula. We will meet alien races and cultures from all over the galaxy and we will kill them as quickly and violently as possible. The will infect my brother Teddy with their deadly moon bites and he will have antenna sticking out of his head like a Maine lobster peeking out of a bowl of chowda. We white survivors must be ready for this tasty mutant with a big wooden spoon to knock his sorry drunk ass back in where space lobsters belong!

And to my devoted wife Jackie: She will have this thing on her head and when I press a button she will instantly forget about the lipstick on my collar and my combustible booze breath when I stumbled in at 4:45 AM and the space ship comes home without the front grill and missing a taillight.

We will travel to a planet of smoking hot broads. They will all have bazongas like that blonde bombshell in Cool Hand Luke, which will be made seven years from now. They will skimp around in these little get-ups that have less fabric than a 'kleenex' but somehow have never heard of a kiss. It will be the task of every American to teach them about the raunchies, no-holds-barred swinging you can imagine.

And when those Americans of future generations ask what did we do when we were called we will say that those chicks were being terrorized by enormous shrimp and we rose to the challenge and defeated them with laser cannons and bombs. Later the hot broads will thank us with bisque and kinky sex.

Rocks? Where are all the broads you were supposed to bring back chowda head?

And that, that is a future that all America can look forward to.

-J.F.3K
January 21, 1960

Jimmy 3K's Bolognase

What Youse Need
A large frying pan
A large pot to boil water
A pasta strainer
A wooden spoon

Ingredients
1 Package (12-16 oz.) Fuscilli Pasta (The kind Kramer made into the
likeness of Jerry Seinfeld)
2 Lbs. Chop Meat (don't get the lower fat stuff, get the 85%)
1 Jar of pasta sauce (Unless you have some recipe for sauce that does
not take all Sunday afternoon)
1 Large Onion
3 Cloves of regular garlic or 1 clove of elephant garlic (ask your
local elephant)
2-3 Chicken bullion cubes (or a Tsb of Salt instead.)
1-2 Tsb of light cooking oil (2x)
A dash of basil, or a few fresh basil leaves if their in season.
Real Romano or Parmesan cheese, not that Kraft $*!%. America spells my
cheese Locatelli

Preperation:
Mince the onion, mince the garlic: Your fingers will smell like garlic and you will be crying like a French actress but with less under arm hair if you do this right.

Heat the frying pan with a little oil, when the oil starts getting hot. Throw in the onion and garlic, you probably want to do this on a fairly high flame. Start browning the onions and garlic. If you have a dash of basil or the real stuff throw it in, put some salt in too if you like. How much? I don't know, 4 cups of salt, hows that?

Fill as much water as the box of pasta you bought tells you, I use the Barilla Omega 3 pasta which I was shocked to find down here in North Cackalakka. If it aint chicken fried they dont want to know.

Your going to add the chicken bullion to the boiling water and a Tsb. of oil. This keeps the pasta from sticking together and brings the water to a boil quicker. I don't rinse my pasta, the chicken stock from the bullion gives it some flavor. Cover the lid, don't add the pasta until the water is boiling.

Once your onion and garlic is browning your going to throw the chop meat in the frying pan, you might lower the heat a touch. I like to stab my chop meat with the wooden spoon like Joe Pesci did to Dennis Farina did in Goodfellas "Now go home and get your &@$(!# shine box chop meat!". Chop and brown your chop meat. Drain the oil from the meat and check your pot to see if your water is boiling. It is? Add the freekin pasta DaVinci.

Stir the pasta, and lower to a simmer, you don't need to boil it. If the meat is brown lower the flame and add the jar of sauce and mix it up. I use the Classico Tomato and Basil.

By the time the pasta is cooked the sauce will be hot.

Time to eat numb-nuts
Tchrow it in da bowl, grate some cheese, bada-bing.

Best eaten with a sleeveless t-shirt and a gold chain with a pepper on
the end of it (I know you have one.) spend mealtime arguing and making threatening gestures.