"Pump" Judge Gets Popped - January 21, 2005

I am once again rendered speechless...

Can someone tell me what it is about this Usher person?
He looks kind of doofy to me and he used to hang around with Michael Jackson... Is it just me or is something amiss here?

Michael Jackson: 1900 pages of graphic details involving his pedophile acts...
I am nauseous.

HEY KIDS! It’s time to play Jimmy 3000’s newest – funnest game on his internet:

WHAT IN GOD’S NAME ARE THEY SMOKING!?

Here’s all ya do.

1) Copy and print this little item and guess the name or names of the Hollywood Rhodes Scholars who we should all be aspiring to be (i.e. Richard Gere speaking “for all Americans” or Paris Hilton making a naughty video with the staff and diners at a Los Angeles soup kitchen)

2) Fill out the words in caps with your best answers! (Sharpie on the LCD is OK, but just remember; Magic Marker won’t scroll!)

Send answers (and two boxtops from the following breakfast cerials*) to me

Jimmy 3000 (Ahura P. Salami Cloud jr.)

c/o This here Internet

Route 1 Paramus

Winners will receive a nude backrub from 32 Level Free Mason Earnest Borgnine who will slip you “Elephant roofies” and give you a “happy ending” that would scare Charles Manson straight!

January 12, 2005 -- An undercover (TELEVISION NEWS STATION) reporter who infiltrated a (GEOGRAPHICAL LOCATION) (MYSTICAL RELIGIOUS SECT) group witnessed (NAME OF CELEBRITY FROM PONTIAC MICHIGAN WHO SPEAKS WITH A BRITISH ACCENT) and (NAME OF CELEBRITY'S BRITISH DIRECTOR/HUSBAND) chanting mystic spells to cleanse (GEOGRAPHICAL LOCATION), the site in (GEOGRAPHICAL LOCATION SOMEWHERE IN THE FORMER SOVIET UNION) of the (NOUN) disaster in (ARBITRARY YEAR IN THE MID 1980's). (NEWS PERSONALITY) who used a hidden (NOUN), claims the (MIDDLE EASTERN MYSTICAL RELIGIOUS SECT PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED) dinner turned into "a weird religious service, which started with prayer (VERB ENDING IN ings) and chanting that culminated in everyone turning to the (DIRECTION ON A MAP NOT NORTH, OR SOUTH, OR WEST, NOR NORTH, NORTH WEST,SOUTH SOUTH, WEST Etc.), pushing the air with their (PLURAL NOUN), and crying out (NONSENSE WORD or NAME OF UKRAINIAN NUCLEAR POWER PLANT THAT CREATED A CLOUD OF DEATH OVER EASTER EUROPE FOR A YEAR) at the top of their (PLURAL NOUN). They thought they were curing (NONSENSE WORD ABOVE) of (NOUN THAT WOULD KILL YOU IN A PROLONGED EXPOSURE ENVIRONMENT, OR IN ABOUT .014/1000 of a SECOND), using the power of (MYSTICAL MIDDLE EASTERN BOOK OF BELIEF SYSTEM THAT SELLS BITS OF STRING UPWARDS OF $20 BUCKS TO WARD OFF RED-STATES) to drive away the (NOUN NOT ENDING IN "LARRY STORCH.")
(NAME OF REPORTER), a recovering (DISEASE THAT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE "BANTS-ER") patient, says he was charged (AN EXORBITANT FEE) for the dinner with (CELEBRITY) and her husband, some "healing (LIQUID)" and several (NON SPOKEN SINCE THE RULE OF EMPEROR FALAFEL III DIALECT) texts — the (MADE UP WORD) — he was unable to (VERB). He was told that just running his (PART OF THE BODY) over the text and drinking the (LIQUID) could cure his (NAME OF AILMENT). He also had a session with Rabbi (NAME WITH MANY "Y's" AND MOST OF THEM SILENT), who told him, "Just to tell you another thing about the 6 million (NAME OF RELIGIOUS GROUP THAT LOOKS UPON THE MAJORITY OF PRACTITIONERS OF THIS MYSTICAL OFFSHOOT OF THEIR FAITH AS A RESULT OF HOLLYWOOD TAKING FAR MORE MEDICATION THAN THEIR PHARMACOLOGISTS PROBABLY INTENDED) that were killed in the (GERMAN "FRAT PARTY" THAT WIPED OUT HALF OF EUROPE c.1940 SOMETHING). The question was that the Light was blocked. They didn't use (MYSTICAL BOOK THAT SOUNDS LIKE A 7 YEAR OLD MADE UP THE NAME)." Donnelly wrote in the (BIRTHPLACE OF THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND) Telegraph, "It sounded as though he was blaming the (NATIONAL SOCIALIST FONDUE PARTY THAT GOT WAY OUT OF HAND) on its victims . . . I'm not (A NOUN OF SOME KIND PERHAPS), but his unprovoked ratings about (NAME OF AUSTRIAN SOCIOPATH WHO SET HIMSELF ON FIRE ON HIS HONEYMOON AS RUSSIAN TROOPS STORMED THE CAPITAL OF HIS “FATHERLAND”) victims left me questioning his (A WORD REFERRING TO ONES BRAIN BEING MADE FROM LETTUCE)." (FASHIONABLE MYSTICAL BELIEF SYSTEM THAT HAS OWN CLOTHING LINE) followers also include (CURRENT INTERNET SKANK OF THE MOMENT), (TALENT LESS LIP-SYNCing BLONDE WITH BUZUNGAZ THAT LOOK LIKE MARTY FELDMAN) and (RAPIDLY AGING NOBODY).

(breakfast cereals must be one or more of the following: Lucky Squids, Cap’n Assprobe, Frosted Cavities, Mortedella-O’s, Cinnamon Parmesans, Gas Giants, Alex LeRoche’s Groin Kicks, 2% Bran 98% Mouse Turds, Mike Tyson’s Chunks of Raw Frozen Chicken)

I have taken a needed break from thinking for a while but have decided to return to blog posting. I just become lazy because it is real exercise for me to write anything that I would think anyone would want to read. I liken the work involved with returning to the gym after a lazy break, something I do every two months once I start losing weight and building any muscle tone. Winter always turns me into a flabby bastard and I have been enduring a month-long chronic cold and cough, relieved only by copious amounts of Codeine cough syrup which tends to kill any creative urge that I may have had otherwise.
Please bear with me as I work my way back into the absurdity and ridiculous subject matter that I aspire to comment on. I also would like to return to the original scope of the blog, music, movie and entertainment musings... The constant fart jokes tend to dilute the focus but do not depend on that to cease any time soon. As long as I think that farts are funny, this place will be a juvenile repository of sophomoric attempts at humor regarding aforementioned topic.