BrewsCrews
In the interest of advertising this as best as I can... I'm happy to announce the First Annual ABC Brews Crews Homebrew Competition. This event will be hosted by Arbor Brewing Company in conjunction with the Ann Arbor Brewer's Guild at Arbor Brewing's Corner Brewery location in Ypsi. Best of show judging will occur on June 2 and coincides with an American Homebrewer's Association membership rally at the same location. It's gonna be a proud day for beer in Ypsi. See above hyperlink for details. There's a couple pictures of me helping make a biergarten there too.

What's that you say? You don't homebrew?

Smatter chew!

You can fix that problem here. You don't need to know how to make beer to attend anyway. You just have to like being in close proximity to beer.

Friday is “Talk like Tom Waits Day”

So what I’m telling you is not to quote Tom (anyone can do that)

You need to “Talk like Tom”

So I don’t wanna’ see anyone saying ‘I got hair on mah chest, I look good withouda’ shoit!, you need to come up with your own smoke voiced rendition of what happened.

For example, you see someone seeking to covet the sandwich you brought in you say:

“I saw Emily from Accounts Payable was goin’ sweet on mah veal cutlet, that whole bee hive stuffed in the icebox like the drunk tank on Thanksgivin’.”

Or if you dropped your keys in your friends toilet and you don’t want to reach for them.

“Mr. Pepperoni; the Italian butcher peppered the room like a Chicago Blue-Plate-Jackson-Pollack retribution, and there ain’t enough black keys in the devils teeth to play them 88’s.

Remember to drink plenty of Bourbon before going to you job, try to arrive sometime around ‘The crack of noon’, be vague, without continuity, and if your boss asks you where you’re monthly report respond with:

“I woke up teeth down in the alley after eleven rounds with the Reverend Joe Louis, but I can pawn these clown shoes I found for few dimes for a Lucky Strike and Bushmills.”

Bristol Stool Form Scale divides stools into seven distinct types, size, shape, color.

Dry with hard lumps or clumps. When transit time is too long, one may be extremely constipated. Usually caused by a lack of fluids, lack of friendly bacteria, essential oils, stress, excess mucosa, and not enough good fiber. Avoid alcohol, baking soda, and all products with refined white flour, sugar, white rice and yeast.

Like lumpy sausage.

Like sausage with surface cracks.

Long smooth surface. Normal, good color, quick exit, and easy to clean.

Blobs with well-defined margins.

Fluffy with ragged edges.

Watery with no solids. Diarrhea is usually caused by a bacterial or virus infection from foods or water. It can also be caused from anxiety, food allergy, drugs, or problems in the colon. This is a sign that something is wrong and the bodies are trying to clean.

Drink extra water with vitamin C and electrolytes added to avoid dehydration. If it continues for too long, colonic irrigation should end it.

Size and shape of the stool indicate the transit time through the digestive tract. The color can tell you how well your digestion is and alert you to other changes concerning your wellness.

Lighter in color (pale) may indicate blockage in the bile duct or deficiency in producing bile (digestive aid). Because of the high fat content, stool may be foul smelling and sticky like clay making it difficult to flush. This is usually the result of bad absorption.

Blood (red) in the stool is a good indication of colon disease, internal hemorrhoids, or parasites. Eating beets will add color to stools and urine and be used as an indication of transit time.

Dark stools are usually from a diet of dark greens, iron supplements, or meat.

Black stools may indicate bleeding in the stomach or smaller intestine caused from an injury, bleeding ulcer, tumor, or worms.

Slimy stools contain excess mucus caused by bacteria, Candida, tumor, or other problems in the colon.

During the first phase of home colonic irrigation, the old stagnant waste coming out may appear in two types. The putrefactive waste has a very bad odor. The post-putrefactive waste cannot putrefy any further. The color ranges from black, dark brown, gray, or green with a little odor.

Healthy stool is long, round, and smooth with a texture similar to creamy peanut butter and golden brown in color. It should be slightly acidic so it floats on the surface of water breaking up soon afterwards.

Colon pH becomes slightly acidic, it promotes the growth of friendly bacteria. The balance is thrown off when it gets too alkaline, creating an environment that only the bad can survive. Normal stools and bowel function return soon after.