I told Tommy his excessive and improper use of our nation’s libraries would not go unnoticed. The article says it will target the homeless, but it targets Tommy who is very smelly (And that guy at the GBV show at Irving Plaza, I think he bathed in a large vat of Irving Plaza X-tra sharp Pussfurt before he steamed into the crowd.). Librarians have better things to do than smell odorous people, there are terrorists who need their ISP’s to plan naughty things that need their protection, and grown men who web surf for things like “Plushies”, “Man-Diapers” and the dreaded “www.cakefart.com” in plain view of children who have come to hear a reading of “Heather has two daddies” as “Fox in Sox” has been deemed to disturbing for their young minds.

HOUSTON (AP) - Those who want to browse books at Houston's public libraries should get enough sleep, eat and bathe before they begin to peruse the shelves.

On Wednesday, the City Council passed a series of library regulations that some say are an attempt to discourage homeless people from visiting the public buildings.

Library officials said people have been using the libraries as temporary shelters, restaurants and changing stations. The new ordinance prohibits sleeping on tables, eating, using restrooms for bathing and "offensive bodily hygiene that constitutes a nuisance to others."

Two council members voted against the ordinance, saying it was a direct attack on the homeless.

"I understand what they're trying to do, but when you start targeting a community like the homeless, I think that's poor policy," council member Ada Edwards said.

Mayor Bill White said there have been several complaints from the public about abuse of the city's libraries.

From the Online U.K. Publication Guardian Unlimited:

Concern over rise of 'happy slapping' craze

I usually copy and paste the article as well since the links rarely stay current and available, treating curious browsers of this blog's archives to a plethora of dead URLs, however this article is quite long and I will give a brief synopsis of this fad that confirms Western Civilzation's steady decline into the quagmire of grey-area absurdity.

Happy Slapping is when you approach a fellow human and wallop them upside the head whilst capturing the event with your cellphone video camera. I quote from the article;

Welcome to the disturbing world of the "happy slappers" - a youth craze in which groups of teenagers armed with camera phones slap or mug unsuspecting children or passersby while capturing the attacks on 3g technology.

According to police and anti-bullying organisations, the fad, which began as a craze on the UK garage music scene before catching on in school playgrounds across the capital last autumn, is now a nationwide phenomenon.

And as the craze has spread from London to the home counties to the north of England, so the attacks have become more menacing, with increasing numbers of violent assaults and adult victims.

There you have it. Those wacky Brits.

Here are my fundamental problems with the situation.

1. Why is it called Happy Slapping? I would be far from happy about being the receiver of this. My Happy Slapper would quickly become a Bleeding Emergency Room Visitor.

2. It supposedly originates from the U.K. Garage Scene. Now this scene, mind you, has nothing in common with our "garage" scene, consisting of bands that purposely play like teenagers in a garage and try to suck on purpose, or at least make us think it is intentional, i.e. The White Stripes. The U.K. Garage Scene is an insane offshoot of the "jungle" scene, which is an offshoot of "Drum n' Bass", which is wigged-out disco at insanely inappropriate breakbeat tempos, best enjoyed under the influence of ecstacy and cocaine. Do these good folks slap each other around in lieu of dancing? I am puzzled and wish for clarifications.

3. Why do they record it via cell phone? Do they distribute it? is it akin to the "Bum Fight" phenomena here in the U.S.? What is the intrinsic gain?

4. Will we be privy to witness this new form of entertainment on Da Ali G Show? That is the first thing i thought of when I read the article. I love that show...

Anyway, I am floundering aimlessly halfway through this post with no real commentary to add other than my inquiries. I sound like a cranky old fart complaining about the youth of today when that is truly not the intent.
I would like to take the time to state that I do plan on Happy Slapping Jimmy 3000 if he writes anymore plays or rants that contain the terms "pinko", "commie", "lefty", or "smelly".

I don’t think anyone got my “Lord of the Rings.” rant, I did not even get it. I think I was trying to say something about Hollywood turning out the same old shit. “Lord of the Rings.” is to me an album like Jimi Hendrix’s “Electric Ladyland” or Radiohead’s Magnum Opus: “OK Computer”, I can go back to it again and again and find something new, get blown away and it looked like everyone involved enjoyed it, especially Peter Jackson who gets it through the belly on the pirate ship. Jolly good fun for all. Last night I had this bizarre dream I was watching what appeared to be a 1960’s version of “Star Wars” complete with a wiry and helmet-less Darth Vader who looked like Red Grange so obviously I was thinking about it (my April 11^th thing) . Not my best work, not by a long-shot but whatever, I was trying to create an image, take the reader away. It’s weird to go back to old movies, and see terrible remakes that do nothing but add “cool effects” and then hear them talked about in how much money they made at the box office. How much did they spend advertising? Tickets to the original “Star Wars” were a whopping $3.00, last time I went (and I don’t get out much anymore) it was $10.00 clams to go see the god-awful “Human Stain” which from the little I read from Roth’s book was never intended to have Anthony Hopkins or what’s-her-name. Anyway: Great story made better by putting good looking people in the movie where they did not exist in the book.

I think iTunes knows it’s my birthday, it’s been playing a lot of Hendrix on random, and I have a lot in here, not just Hendrix, it seems to like the Beastie Boys and Slayer.

K-Rock radio in Manhattan changed its format, and until I get involved with 20^th century technology and put a CD or MP3 player in my car (I don’t even have an MP1 player! My car is so old the lighter actually says: “Lighter” and not Data Port or something important that I need on the floor of my car with all the Pepsi bottles filled with water, I’m trying to give up the 12-16 servings of soda, and in America a serving is what you can fit in your stomach before people poke you in the stomach and say “Laugh it up Pop-n-fresh!"Anyway, K-Rock came to the conclusion that the Doors, Hendrix, Led Zeppelin and the Police don’t suck as bad as the shit they’ve been forced to play for the past four years if you mix it in, also more importantly: Alice in Chains makes Godsmack sound as gay as a bag of gay skittles, the gay-est candy in mah mouf. (Tom’s coffee weakened bowels shutter in fear when I write like this, and explains why he never returns my calls.)

Man, I had this whole thing on April 19^th and I was going to say it was the day the Revolutionary War stared, the Civil War, Waco Texas, Oklahoma bombing, the day Jesus grew a little moustache and built a go-cart out of wood, but vahhh, Fanook!

The Original 'A' Team 

Figures of the Abraham Lincoln family, from left, Tad (Aka Shoot 'em n' Skin 'em) , Robert (Aka Lil George Dubahya), Mary (Aka The good lord tole’ me to beat you chillin’!) , Abraham (Aka Gangsta "A", L.I.N.K to tha PontiaKKK, ‘A’ Dawg, Help me Spock!, M.C. Pants-less, and "His feets was too big!") and Willie (Aka I'm wearing girlie knickers!), are shown standing in front of the 1861 White House at the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Museum in Springfield, Ill., Thursday, March 24, 2005. The grand opening and dedication of the museum is Tuesday April 19. The library portion of the $83.5 Billion complex houses one of the world's largest collections of Lincoln documents, socks, his stuffed Japanese Weasel "Mr. Charlie” given to him by the grand Kung-Fu master of Norway and artifacts, from letters, stipplings and e-mails he wrote as a young certified Citrix reseller to an original copy of the Gettysburg Address (123 Gettysburg street)



File It opened in October. The museum portion is geared toward the general public. It seeks to educate them by grabbing their attention with special effects, thrill rides and Abe Lincolns "Circular Saws of Death and Dismemberment for those no-good A-rabs.


Man! How spooky is that! April 19th! That's not coincidence; Him and his crazy old lady are coming to get us!

I watched Lord of the Rings this weekend, don’t ask me which one, I just found there was another one. It was good, pretty good, if Hollywood ever decides it needs a good pat on the back and has some kind of “award” for these things then Lord of the Rings (or TOS as it’s known by them’s who knows.) should get one or two.
There were a few problems with film for me to truly enjoy it: One, I had to keep the sound down or my daughter would wake up and ask; “What’s that man doing?” or “What’s that man eating?”, she does this to me all the time, I’ll be eating a sandwich and she’ll ask what I’m eating, I’ll tell her I’m eating a Pizza with Monkey slices, and she’ll say; “No Daddy, you’re eating a sandwich.”. So I would be explaining the entire movie to her, she would already know and I can’t watch the movie now anyway, I got my wife kept asking me; “Why can’t the little guy keep the bowling ball?” (and I know she could care less about this film) what this and who that and I’ll answer. “Oh, that’s s ‘Zippy’ and he has to take it to the wizard so he can become a real boy.” and I don’t know what the hell was going on.
The other major problem with this film is it is too dated. Now you’re probably asking me; “Dated!? It’s the best CGI (and I hate people who throw words around like CGI in everyday conversation as if they themselves are running a Maya Cluster.) to date!”
Ok, so it probably is, so what. What’s lost in this film are some golden, and I mean 24 caret opportunities.
Had this movie been made in the late 1950’s now you’re talking. Now, you’re going to have to bear with me; I know a few things for sure about this movie.
The Main guy is King Ritchie; he should have been played by Russ Tamblin. There was a wizard, named Andy who was just crying to be played by Cid Caesar in a purple hat, or even the guy from “God’s and Monsters”, what’s his name? Can’t think. There’s a little troll looking guy with an axe and a big red beard named “Jimmie”, but the sound was down and who knows right, Buddy Hackett would have been perfect for this part. Some other guy who was like William Tell, but better than William Tell, I know, you’re thinking what I’m thinking: “Better than William Tell? Someone’s been hittin’ the sauce pretty early in the morn’…” William Tell was so good he shot an apple off his kid’s head, which you can’t even do now for some reason! He should have been scripted more like a Jerry Mathers character, all American kid who would have his best friend strapped to the electric chair if he thought for a second he was a “commie” and not bat an eyelash. “Gee Whiz dad! Mr. Pulaski took us all the way down to the center ring where they still had the crime scene tape! That clown fell real far you know. Then we had pork chops!” instead of a bow and arrow he could have been killing Orps with a sling shot and a deer skin sack of lucky marbles. My friend Anne on the 3rd floor pointed out he needs a red and white striped shirt, and a coon skin hat and the sling shot would be holstered in his back pocket. Am I right, or am I right! One other item, someone needs a pet monkey, they come in handy when you get locked in a jail cell. You can’t write a jail cell scene without a monkey breaking you out, it’s simply not possible.

Another major oversight in this film: Pirates! They had twenty seconds of Pirates. Man, if this film was made in the 50’s there would have been Pirates singing and mopping and throwing girls over their shoulders and a heap of “Arrrgggsss.” Pirates with lots of red and blue scarves, chomping down on a cutlass while they swing from the mast head “Ho-ho-ho’ing”. One good Pirate fight could have saved this entire film.

Then, there were these guys’s the “Snozghouls”, and man, oh man, did they need a musical number, something in the minor key barber shop quartet variety with a crazy Theremin solo towards the end. A few lead wires and they could have flown around, that’s some spooky business. Three tall ones and one little one who sang baritone and is always out of sync with dance steps right. It’s always funny when the little guy sings real deep like Tony the Tiger or Slim Whitman and belts out the last line “I will break him… Joe!” or something. The other three could have hit him on the head with their chain mail gloves he would later extract his revenge by pushing them in a volcano at the end of the film: That’s another item this movie needed badly; who doesn’t love a good volcano? I can’t believe this movie with all the $20 trick photography they used it would be too much to ask to get some plaster of Paris and baking soda and make a volcano. Sheeh!

The Orps too, needed heavy Asian accents, not Swedish or whatever they had. Also, they needed a big guy with a bushy black beard and eyebrows to match that broke into a Cossack dance constantly, instead of a lighthouse. What the hell is so scary about a lighthouse? They guy who played Harvey Mudd in Star Track could have pulled this off in his sleep, him or King Tutt from Batman (and I’m talking the only Batman, Adam West) There was some other evil sorcerer guy his name was “Sourpuss”, like I said the sound was down, he was only in the movie for 30 seconds, he didn’t even “Geronimo!” when he fell off the tower, Hmm.. That character had Dr. Smith from Lost in Space all over it. There was another guy who ate Tomatoes like popcorn, I’m not sure what the point was, he didn’t even have a name but he did get a good bonk-bonk on the head from Andy.

So yea, more singing, more midgets, more puppet characters and smoke bellowing monsters made from glittery fabrics, foam-core and wire, more green stage lights, more fog machines in caves with plenty of bats, dancing skeletons: How good would that have been when the King, Jimmie and the kid run into a bunch of scary dancing skeletons in that cave, a little organ music and you’ve got yourself a scene Mr. Parr! More paper machete sets, a swami, and a scene where the two girls get so jealous they go to hit King Ritchie in the face with a Pie for being a schnook, but he ducks and they hit Jimmie the Troll who is standing directly behind him and start a big pie ruckus in the bar, possibly a “shrink-ray”, and at least one volcano, but most importantly; the Sultan of stop-motion: Ray Harryhousen!

Next time Larry Jefferson makes a movie he should call me; I could have turned this into a $10,000 block buster!

http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/04/07/tv.cookie.lessmonster.ap/index.html

I have been watching Sesame St. for a little over a year (If there is one gag that never gets old, it’s Jim Henson wiping out on those steps trying to juggle “Ten coconut custard pies with whip cream!”) So I have already seen Cookie Monster eat carrot sticks, celery and salads.
The reason why the news media decide to turn this into a major news item now must be related to Pfizer's upcoming announcement for a new weight loss drug that is supposed to metabolize everything without having the body process it, none of it. This is bulimia, without stomach acid or sticking a toothbrush down your throat. If it does work I imagine it will be approved faster than our septuagenarian congress can sport wood with a handful of Viagra, which by the way was approved in how many days? I think 60, I could be wrong. This was not going to sit on a shelf and be tested for two years, no fucking way.
I can't think of the name of the drug, I’m struggling to recall it, but Cookie monster has been on this diet for quite some time. It's non-news until Cookie Monster is called to the stand to defend the 10,000 lawsuits against him. Layers know PBS has money, they’ve been working out of the same Janitor Closet since the Lyndon Johnson was sworn in c. 1963 but they’ve started showing commercials, so they must be loaded.

Our Kids still need Hip-Hop culture! And we need stupid sensationalistic crap to keep us buying Beyer aspirin or else we will have heart attacks, or drugs that prevent you from peeing but give you projectile diarrhea and lesions, but we won't know this unless we follow the Cookie Monster debacle! It’s about food! We are about food! Fat America, and our fat is contagious, Europe is getting fat and it’s not just Bavarians or Slavic broads either! Asians are getting fat! Gone are the days when George Takai rip off his yellow Star Fleet v-neck and his hairless, but man-sweaty six pack is glistening all over his yellowy George Takai buffness.

I'm glad we let countries on the African Continent send scientists over to Monsanto to come up with genetically modified fruits and vegetables that need little or no watering, or soil enrichment and can provide vitamins, nutrients and immunizations for children who are dying somewhere in the neighborhood of 20,000 a day over there so their governments can tell us; "Seeds! Are you fucking dumb! Just send the money! Our AK-47's need more bullets, we lost the last million and a half rounds in a rebel stronghold last week, when both sides were firing through a village of women and children."
But don't worry, they were going to starve to death anyway!

My hat goes off to environmentally conscious Americans and European farmers who block the distribution of these foods as well.
The European Food Growers would be wiped out, and it would have enormous consequences on their economy. Good for me, the Euro would plummet and I could buy a package of Chocolate Digestives for less than an ounce of pure Columbian cocaine.

I got to holla at my holmies, mah strobies; the American environmental sheep who feel we should be bringing the food directly to these villages, it must be an incredible sense of accomplishment for someone to wait around while food is delivered to them because they can not be trusted to grow it on their own.

Am I saying Monsanto is the Mother Theresa of starving. I’m sure their investors would have a problem with that, they want to get rich, which you should only do by acting or lip-syncing! Shame on them.

At what point am I a total racist for thinking: Give the African farmers the modified seeds, they have the land, they could grow the food, feed their families, sell the rest off, have an economy where we would not have to pump millions into it just to keep them from civil war because there is no food and the government and the rebels keep "conscripting" their kids to find mine fields so the more experienced soldiers don't loose a foot or cranium.
What a deplorable human I am for even harboring the idea that in order for someone less fortunate then myself will never succeed unless I personally walk them through life.

Our kids need Hip-Hop! Millions of mediocre talents are disappearing at an alarming rate. Hillary Duff is going to be 17 next year, come on! That’s retirement age. Kids need to learn that all white American males without pony tails cause ALL the worlds problems and EVERYONE ELSE is as innocent as a newborn, unless you happen to be promoted as the next big thing in Hip Hop and you incarcerated for no reason other than you shot a 17 year old to death at a club, because, well because you don’t remember, but whatever the reason white kids need your album marketed to them as soon as possible, because if you get on parole you might be as popular as Hillary Duff is next year.

I honestly had to tell myself to shut of my television last night, I was watching MTV2, which used to show videos of crappy bands, but decided they would go down the [Adult Swim] method.

It’s clear I’m the only one who thinks this way, but I’m okay with it; remember being okay with your beliefs, I guess this only works if you are gay or want to dance or show cartoons with homeless people jerking off. Wow! It’s brilliant! He’s got his hands in his pants and his pants are held up with rope! Is this social commentary? Do the people who submit these program ideas have a fucking clue what social commentary is? Yes, it’s homeless people jerking off in a Korean bodega.

http://www.observer.com/pages/nytv.asp

Hollywood, in its infinite wisdom is at last speaking out about the dangers of Right Wing Amerika and their evil agenda to surcease the making of fairy tale characters who are apparently gay for no apparent reason, other than to bend over for the gay Hollywood agenda of having our children put on a healthy diet of “Heather has two dads who cry whenever PBS runs a Judy Garland retrospective.”

I’m not bothered by this, but this kills me:

http://www.hbo.com/apps/schedule/ScheduleServlet?ACTION_DETAIL=DETAIL&FOCUS_ID=584470

Are there ANY new ideas coming out? How many times can we repackage the same shit, with updated "hip-hoppness" and blow our loads over it.

How many times can I hear how much fun it was working on a film, how demanding it was on the actors, how they bought a 3^rd home in Malibu and had their chalet in French countryside restored to it’s former glory after they went on a crystal meth and chi tea rampage and put the windows out with a case of Vueve Cliquot.

How demanding was your stunt work? Well basically they had to sit in front of a camera so a texture mapping plug-in for Maya could render their face to a motion captured model. Understandably this puts the actor in considerable danger, that is he or she will have to make up something that sounds like a human being was used for the shoot and 98% of the movie was actually made with a piece of software, but it runs on a computer shaped like Tom Seizmore's head.

Here’s a bit of advice for Hollywood that will never make it to Hollywood:

Come up with some new ideas! Or better yet, some new stereotypes!

African American grandmother is a sex freak! It’s been done. So has the guy eating chicken while a girl wearing a top made from kleenex does his hair in corn-rows. Just because black people either write the script or agree to act it does not prevent it from being impossibly absurd.

Here’s another one: Black nerd. Every school as a black spelling bee champ, computer whiz and math scholar. He usually up-rocks on command, he’s also fond of wearing pocket protectors. I went to school in a heavly nerded part of Long Island c. 1985, the Victorian age of Nerdom, and I don’t know a sing kid who wore one of these fucking things.“Come on Wendell, all black people are born with the intrinsic ability to bust into the robot when we cajole! You’ve seen us dance! It’s an embarrassment to all things living and dead.” This is nothing more than 21^st century Bo-Jangle-isim.

Fat Italian kid who has reprehensible morals like his father, done that too. Italians might as well be toilet paper in tinsel town, they are used for the same purpose.

School loner girl whose friends compromise all colors of the ethnic spectrum (one Black, on Chinese.) and has flamboyant gay younger brother: Well that’s all of Nickelodeons shows planned for 2005 until they start showing cartoons of homeless men masturbating.

Koreans: or as they call them Asian-Italians. How many times can you milk the “you go now” John Pinochet act. They are especially funny when black people come to their corner grocery stores and they are convinced “Some roun’ eye hip-hoppa lift my fotty ounce!” only to later be told by their wiser childeren that inner-city youths who live in housing projects or on the streets with hot and cold running violence would never dream of taking something that they did not politley purchase.

Movies where Injuns, I mean Native Americans live in perpetual Woodstock without the guitar solos: If ever there was an injustice to my people this is it. Before my ancestors came to Long Island to live, they came down to slaughter half the tribes in Nassau County. Men, women, children, anything not Iroquois, this went for squirrels, mustard and shellfish.

Also, for the love of all living things: Stop kissing each others asses 365 days a year;

Sean Penn can tell us what a bunch of bullies we are for putting a man in prison for effectively having 270,000 people murdered to keep an aura of fear around his political structure but he can not tell me why Jude Law is the next Gregory Peck. Nuh-uh. I know who Jude Law is, but I don’t give a crap. AI, you call that a movie? I’m having a lawsuit drawn up for actually harming my opinions of other Kubrick films just knowing he heard of that abomination.

Nicole Kidman is not a legend, she is a piece of ass, and there is a huge difference. Abe Lincoln is a legend; I do not want to slide in a hot tub topped off with Swiss Miss and Cool Whip with Abe Lincoln.

Vincent DiOnofrio: Stop having fainting spells when your political party fails to get themselves catapulted into power by using “We told you to listen, why didn’t you listen?” tactics. (By the way, you didn’t listen because 18 year olds could not be coerced from the couch playing Grand Theft Auto to care about who will create policy for the free world for the next four years!) Fainting spells are for Victorian women who stumble on a copy of Marquis De Sade’s nursery rhymes tucked away in their husband’s handkerchief while he is off beheading mongrels in Rhodesia, not for grown men.

And what is up with getting attacked with pastry? Right wing, left wing, no one is safe! What an intelligent fucking argument is this. “I disagree with your thinking, but not in words I can communicate to you with, so I will slap a Ho-Ho down on you.”

Whoever thought free speech was for bringing up new ideas is dead wrong, it’s a pissing contest, but you get a slice of pie at the end or a bottle full of sperm (see below)

J3K.

Once again, it is time to report another incident of someone using their ejaculate in most creative ways!

Here is the article, quoted from ABC News' Website in case the link is changed or deleted, which is the case for some of my previous posts...

*************
For the last three years women were victimized and didn't even know it. They were actually ingesting a stranger's bodily fluids. Call it sexual harassment, call it a sexual fetish - but police are calling it a sex crime.

The female coeds learning about the sexual perversity of Michael Lohman can only react in horror.

Student: "It's just so weird."

Student: "It's invasive, it's violating."

Police say Michael Lohman, a 28-year-old Princeton grad student admitted to them that he would fill small, plastic bottles with his own urine or semen and then spray it on unsuspecting women or pour the bodily fluids into their beverages when they weren't looking.

Det. Sgt. Ernie Silagy, Princeton Township Police: "He would walk up, he'd put the bodily fluids into the drink and then he would walk away and observe then drinking it. He put the bodily fluids in the drinks at Fine Hall Library."

Police caught up with Lohman after he was caught in the act cutting the hair off an Asian student while riding the campus shuttle.

Lt. Dennis McManimon, Princetown Borough Police: "She thought something had happened. She wasn't sure but she thought the guy had hit her in the head or done something to her, so she saw where he got dropped off."

During a search of Lohman's home police found containers filled with urine, as well as stolen underwear and gloves that were stuffed with human hair - all being used for sexual self-gratification.

Police say Lohman told them he targeted only Asian females. His wife - also of Asian descent - hid her face when leaving their apartment with his parents this afternoon. They didn't want to say anything, but Princeton University administrators tell us Michael Lohman is being evaluated by a mental institution, and students should feel safe that he's been arrested.

Laura Robinson-Brown, Princeton University: "It was only recently that the scope of the investigation was widened because the perpetrator confessed to a number of incidents, which are now being investigated.

Police are investigating exactly what motivated this bizarre behavior. Princeton University is hoping that any women who may feel that they were targeted by Lohman will come forward. Police think that so far Lohman is responsible for victimizing about 50 women in this vile fashion.

*************

Once again, I let the article speak for itself.