Theo van Gogh, Great great great nephew of the same-surnamed artist, was brutally murdered by a Dutch-born Islamic Fundamentalist (!?) for reasons having to do with his last film's depiction of women in Islamic society. I have not seen the film so I may be generalizing or minimizing the plot and/or controversy around it but to be be murdered for it?
The political experts of Hollywood and the music industry were oddly silent and before I read this article by the former boss of Vanna White I had made a mental note of it.

A Hush Over Hollywood by Pat Sajak

Read this. Comments please.

"I'll take a McJesus on unleavened rye please."

or "Leonardo Divinci must die! (again!)!"
by Jimmy3K

I don't know who I distrust more these days, the absurdly religious right or the vehemently atheist left; they're both trying to homogenize America, and I don't like Jim's America homogenized.

As for the controversial DiVinci Code, it failed to do what it was supposed to do, start a controversy over a presumed basis of nothing and stir up little pockets of non-secular nuts so intellectuals could point their fingers and say "Look! Look! Everyone south of my finger is a religious nut!"

It bothers me the zeitgeist du’jour has become "I’m right and you’re a goddamn freak.!" It drove some of my acquaintances mad that the book did not generate half the shit storm they were expecting. I love it when instigation fails miserably and people are standing around half bemused like Rik Mayall shouting “What has become of the “Peoples Poet”?” when no one is listening, and shame on any idiot that did come out and raise a fuss. It’s fiction, you know what fiction is? It’s Ricardo Montaban’s chest in “Wrath of Kahn”

Compound this fact that I have read everything I ever could about DiVinci since I was nine years old; he was brilliant (he was beyond that), he was for lack of a better description “Gayer than a Maypole decorated by Harvey Firestone and Liberace”, he believed in God but was not all whacky about it, he was a vegetarian (like Hitler) but he was no conspiracy nut; that and the Mona Lisa was the daughter of a well known patron of Venice, she was no prize to look at and wooden frames were expensive and models were hard to keep still for over a month (unless they starved to death and then had to paint quickly before the weasels came.) so l will read the book as a work of fiction like Jonathan Harris’ disturbingly smarmy portrayal of the pedophile leaning Dr. Smith or when Democrats attempt to tell me the Republican party of the Lincoln era was more like the Democratic party today: (Craka’ please.)

Historically the Church did not burn or torture the majority of people that were castigated (people were killed, but we have “Hollywooded” up the knumbers Not even fucking close to the numbers of any religious ethnic group that were exterminated by Communist Asia in the 20^th century.) as we hoped, but books written in the last 80 years describing the scenes will now pass as “historical” by the same measure the Church in Italy was very practical in the idea of a sun-centered universe, Pope Paul III believed there was nothing in the bible to defend that the Earth was the epicenter of all things and welcomed the ideas of Copernicus (a monk and dumb Polak, who was never ex-communicated or tortured for heresy.)

Why is it we can not tolerate any reference to God in school, but it’s “Right Wing America’s God” that can’t be tolerated. We can teach kids about witches and totem poles and Eastern belief systems and Middle Earf, we can even justify teaching the Koran in school but the God of our ancestry and of the founders of our country as either a concept or embodiment will not be mentioned, “Separation of Church and State” right? Well; it’s in the constitution, which by the way mentions God several times before it gets out of the first paragraph, so is the Constitution anti-Constitutional?

Perhaps schools should entertain the idea of not teaching about any cultures; after all, most of them deal with some idea of creation mythology or bad and good that exist in some kind of world that requires a belief system as it has something we call “an effect” and we can’t have effect, because we cant see it, we can only see the result. (I have a problem with the proposed idea of gravity from Newton as well, it appears that if you apply his theory to a chair, your lifting something like 65 quadrillion tons of chair without ass in it, but we skip that part, just like we skip the last years of Sir Isaac’s life when he wrote thousands of papers on scientific observation that reads disturbingly like mysticism.) We has done gone from “their” theology was nonsense; to “our” theology is nonsense but theirs now has significant cultural importance, bullshit; accept them both of call them both lies but don’t deny it because it disfavors your sense of sensibilities.

Lets face it; I’m not telling anyone what they need to believe, I’m not sure if everyone or anyone has a soul, I’m not sure if anyone deserves one if you can develop one in the course of a concious lifetime by deeds and actions, but the idea of diversity is being shut down at every corner. We need mythology; Carl Jung was a big proponent of the idea, (and so is Jim) we need Big Foot in the UFO, in the grassy knoll and the forbidden list of ingredients for Coca Cola that he got from Jim Morrison who lives in Botswana now under the name Vinny Popoloudis jr. but our mythology has turned to actual things, like people who think differently and how much a "threat" they have become to our freedom. It’s not about freedom; freedom is a mental state not a real one, freedom is about choices and thoughts, this is about liberty. Take away one persons liberty and you fuck us all. Right, Left, whatever. I know we are just monkeys with nuclear weapons, but we are turning into real assholes.

I just did a 7.5 hour ride back from Lake Placid, NY, disproving my theory that if you avoid rest stop fast food, you are less likely to become bloated and constipated.

I only experience stoppage when traveling.
In my college years, I would regularly do an 8-9 hour trek (one way) to and from Southwest Virginia in order to come to New York to work and actually make money, twice a month, sometimes more. I would chase down Arby's roast beef with Roy Rogers burgers and McDonald's McNuggets, capping it off with a Bob's Big Boy omelette when I felt somewhat fancy. I can positively attest to not doing number two for up to 3 or 4 days after these Dr. Pepper-fueled night trips, eating Combos and Smartfood while smoking 600 cigarettes and chewing many Slim Jims. It was a true test of colonic capacity.

This time around I made a concious decision to drink plenty of water, minimize the coffee (only one large cup) and eschew carbonated beverages and potato chips. I fasted up until the final hour, breaking down at a fresh popcorn stand outside the last rest stop before the Tappan Zee Bridge. This was relatively fresh food, unprocessed and not something that should have replicated the after-effects of eating a bag of pistachios and 4 pounds of cheddar at once.

26 hours later and I am still waiting.

A Brief Addendum To Jimmy3000's List of Crappiest Films
Subtitle: This Blog Is Turning Into A Shrill Complaint-fest But I Love It

The Ring
I had the highest hopes for this film, based on the cool-looking trailers (I know, bad judgement... Trailers make many sub-par movies appealing).
I cannot believe I invested 2 hours of my life in this mess about a videotape that causes people to die with post-bowel movement distorted faces, only to find out it is because a creepy dead girl is hidden down a well and a woman's horses died. If you are scratching your head, chin or crack in puzzlement, I just described the entire plot to you. There is nothing to fill in between, other than gratuitous film school lens filters, overused Nine Inch Nails video-style color dampening and flash transitions. This poo was based on a Japanese film titled Ringu, which I plan never to see.

The Sixth Sense
Some of you may disagree, but I categorized this tripe under "Overrated - Just like There's Something About Mary."
Bruce Willis hangs out with a young precocious boy! Ooooohhhh. The boy sees dead people! Zoinks! What? Bruce Willis is dead all along? Egad! What a mindfuck! My mind was bent over and reemed up the poopchute over and over and then abused by having large objects inserted into it! It was raped senseless with a big pine cone-like phallus until it bled, bombarded with the brilliance of too-clever plot devices, designed to baffle me and tell all my co-workers around the water cooler! Oh my god? Did you see that movie? Can you believe it? Plot Twist! Genius! What I do not discuss with them is how after-hours I methodically dip my sac into each individual cup that they are drinking out of, making the dudes all secretly gay!

F YOU M. Night Shambala Chumbawumba - your films are mediocre schlockfests manufactured for understimulated yentas and their dull counterparts. People that love your movies generally listen to Atlantis Morrisette and drink "latte." It is status quo, bourgeois, it is absolute cock. Just because you make odd cameos in your own films does not place you in the realm of Hitchcock! The Village sucked too. Thankfully, most people I know disliked it, restoring my faith in my peers, temporarily. If you want see a somewhat decent take on the same theme as Sixth Sense, see The Others. While it is not the greatest film ever made, it has good atmospherics and watching Nicole Kidman fret and grimace for 2 hours is not excrutiating.

Any Film With John Travolta
I consider John Travolta as equally offensive as The Beach Boys. I do not understand his resurgent popularity. I do not enjoy looking at his big, ass-like pudgey head and listening to his weird, semi-high-pitched (Who's Hi-pitch), annoying, not-quite-southern-accent-inflected voice. I liked Pulp Fiction but did not spray tadpoles at the mere mention of the title. I thought Travolta dragged down Samuel L. Jackson, and the so-called "brilliant" dialogues about Quarter Pounders in France was just ok, nothing more. Get Shorty deserves its own spot on this list, but being an Elmore Leonard fan, I will not defame his work, even if Travolta desecrated it. That god-damned movie where he plays a fat, filthy angel? A fitting role indeed. The L. Ron Hubbard movie disaster, Battlefield Earth... A pro-Scientology propaganda-piece. From what I have learned about the cult of Scientology, I am skeptical. That is a whole other topic to be visited later on. Back to our subject, Travolta is a fat, tubby, talentless anus whose current popularity can be attribute to the 70's nostalgia-minded dimwits that loved a TV program such as Welcome Back Kotter. Need I say more? Here is a full list of his offensive assault upon my limited entertainment time and core values:

Ladder 49 (2004), Love Song for Bobby Long, A (2004), Punisher, The (2004), Basic (2003), Domestic Disturbance (2001)
Swordfish (2001), Lucky Numbers (2000), Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 (2000), General's Daughter, The (1999)
Civil Action, A (1998), Thin Red Line, The (1998), Primary Colors (1998), Mad City (1997), Face Off (1997), She's So Lovely (1997), Michael (1996), Phenomenon (1996), Broken Arrow (1996), Get Shorty (1995), White Man's Burden (1995), Pulp Fiction (1994), Look Who's Talking Now (1993), Shout (1991), Eyes of an Angel (1991), Look Who's Talking Too (1990), Experts, The (1989), Look Who's Talking (1989), Basements (1987), Perfect (1985), Staying Alive (1983), Two of a Kind (1983), Blow Out (1981), Urban Cowboy (1980), Moment by Moment (1978), Grease (1978), Saturday Night Fever (1977), Boy in the Plastic Bubble, The (1976), Carrie (1976), "Welcome Back, Kotter" (1975) TV Series

Brilliant.

By Divine Right I am qualified to assume all these successful filmmakers are morons, that investors and studios just throw money at them for no reason at all and that my opinion is more important than the popular consensus (i.e. patrons of the box office). It is not important that anyone knows that I seek out and extol the counterpoint to anything that the popular media hypes and spoon-feeds us.
Support Independent film.

Crappiest movies of all time

Ferris Buller’s Day Off:An upper middle class asshole, farts around and pretends he’s sick with the help of a sampler which at the time had a street price of about $25,000 to his indicted pedophile school principal and lip-syncs “Twist and Fuck” to downtown Chicago. Why the fuck would I give a warm bowl of used fuck for this crappy, crappy film, and why does anyone only recall the scene with (very right wing) Ben Stein calling out this dicks name in class, and what kind of gay name is “Ferris”? Mine Gotten Himmel! The British don’t even think of gay names like this! And why does Comedy Central show this movie every two days? It’s crap!

The Other Sister, I am Sam: (and any movie that some actor plays a “special” role, when they are not in any way special except for “Gilbert Grape”)
Following in one of the best performances of an actual semi-retarded Leonardo DiCaprio as “Arnie” in “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”; “Grape” Co-Star Juliet Lewis decided she too needed to be retarded (more so though; retarted-er.)

Why Arnie works as a character is because he was this multi-faceted foil for uber-pinko Johnny Depp. Lewis try’s to steal the show, as a retard, what’s worse is Giovanni Rabissi; a very talented guy who plays a retard for this film. The rush for thespians cum-retards pinnacled with the unnecessary and asinine “I Am Sam.” This is just Hollywood at their worst (an oxymoron, I know). Saddam’s best friend and laughable stereotype Sean “Jeff Spicoli” Penn, the ultra-liberal but loaded .357 and Glock 9mm owning; (which were stolen from his car on the streets of Beverly Hills and now in the hands of, let’s call them Freedom Fighters on crystal meth.) Playing this time; a retard with a heart, who’s daughter is the cutest thing since pre-“What’s that Angel Dust? I can fly off my 23 story balcony! Ok.” Buffy from “Family Affair” in the form of Dakota Fanning (The robotic girl from “Perfect Maid” who was hurled into a iron smelting pot by the clearly not as adorable “Webster” in the show’s Anthony Burgess inspired violent series finale.)

Marlboro spokeswoman Michelle Pfeiffer (which salads have been mysteriously known to cry-for.) also shows her Cichlid wrought head in this abomination.

Anything with Susan Sarandon.
We have friends downtown who live in the same building as Mr.& Mrs. Susan Sarandon and I always have a mild anxiety attack that I’m going to bump into these two on an elevator and ask them what the hell the malfunction is which will erupt into a slap festival with Tim Robbins. As soon as I see her big moon-pie head on that screen I am gone – gone like Cleavon Little’s carrier after “Blazing Saddles”

Remakes, oh how I hate thee! (Or let’s take a children’s movie and shove it full of dick jokes and long farty sounds)

Cat in the Hat: Why? Or better yet; rot in a pit of your own filth you Hollywood bastards for shitting on one of the most inspired, timeless and imaginative children’s tales of all time and rape it until your pockets and snouts were filled with your soulless pickings. Fuck you all. I’m actually quite bothered by this but you might not guess from my restraint.

Planet of the Apes: I wanted to like this. Tim Roth, David Warner(!), Michael Clarke-Duncan, Mark Walberg and Tim Burton behind the wheel. With this cast they should have been able to remake “Benji Gets the Rectal Squirts” and win fifteen thousand Oscars. I got one word for this film: Ape Lincoln. (I think I wrote a song called Ape Lincoln when I was nine after eating a half gallon of Coffee Ice Cream and firing down a bottle of NyQuil.)This was worse than that Hendrix/Morrison “album” that surfaced in the mid 1980’s that should have stayed lost out of respect for the dead.

The Hurricane: Denzel Washington in one of the most blatantly full of shit “true-stories” ever written. Nearly as bad as that movie where he’s the cop in the wheelchair and can guess the kidnappers address by the way he ties his shoes. I am getting tired of Hollywood trying to make up for it’s incredible shitty treatment and permanently damaging image of Black people by perpetually ass frenching (More on them in a moment) them as if this is some compensation and turning them into pillars of society at every chance. I guess it’s impossible to show an ethnic group for it’s achievements and limitations at the same time, (This is not to say if I had a top 25 list of movies that were cool that “Hollywood Shuffle” would most certainly be in the single digit column, and would include “Boy’s in the Hood”, “Malcom X (and “25^th Hour” for that matter.) and Rusty Cundieff’s masterpiece “Fear of a Black Hat”) that would be two dimensional and mainstream Hollywood would crap itself in the undertaking of such thought. This is why Mumar Jamal-Warner is sitting on death row but has honorary French citizenship. I can’t thank France enough for this honor to an indicted murderer of a Philadelphia Police Officer. God bless my ancestors who saw the revolution coming and said “Let’s get le fuck out of here and discover Canada (When it was actually a cool place), these connards are assholes.” And they left Bourgeon and had half-breed injun kids.

All Westerns: Growing up in suburbia we didn’t talk about out “Injun” heritage (Ok, I’m 1/8^th but our family name is on the tribal roster in upstate New York so kiss my red-skinned ass, washicho) ,they taught us in school that Injuns would scalp you, cheat you and drink your whisky (Which they called “Buffalo-Up”). Then suddenly a French Creole (with no Indian ancestry whatsoever) dressed as Crazy Cat from F-troop starts crying when he finds a Zagnut wrapper in a land fill and Kevin Costner makes a film about “Native Americans”, and we are supposed to believe they were B’nai/Zen Buddhists hippies (who historically were wiping each other off the face of the Earth for the last 500 years.) enjoying sensible and lean portions of Buffalo when they weren’t being the Earth’s first pot-heads. Native American? Please, that’s just rude. Call them Indians, it’s Spanish for “People of God” [Spanish/Latin: In-Dois] (Columbus figured out he was not in India, because India was called Hindustan until about 400 years after Columbus was dead.) Or call them anything but what Hollywood has decided on for the moment.

Something about Mary: One of the crappiest and overrated films of all time, the Godfather III of cringe comedy. “Oh it’s sheer genius! She puts cum in her hair!”

Godfather III: So bad I find it more embarrassing then that Olive Garden commercial where the guy takes his uncle from Italy to that Tuscan shithole. Italians (I’m half you fucking cucumber, and Europe would still be wading neck deep in its own Nutella infested dung if it was not for Italy pulling the rest of the continent out of the absurdities of the Dark Ages.) are Hollywood’s last bastion of stereotyping. (Italians and Catholics, however other minorities belief systems are still sacred) One of these days I’m going to kick Joey from “Joey” down a flight of stairs, and Injun slap Tony Danza (He knows why, that filthy animal.) then drive out to Amaganset and gorilla punch Steven Spielberg in his chicken neck because he cant cast an Italian unless he’s willing to play that “Freggin’ Tony from yo; Brooklyn!” role. Bullshit! You heartless, mindless, soulless mother fuckers: I hope the next time one of you Hollywood exec takes your “friends” out to impress them at La Scala, they shit in your Manicotti after you mispronounce it.

If I have to sit calmly (the word Italian and calm rarely are used in the same sentence.) and watch David Allen Grier dressed as a “Gepetto the Pizza Man” so “Life With Bonnie” can have a cheap laugh at the expense of my linage I am going to insist BET plays Al Jolsen’s “Mammy” every fifteen minutes. It fucking drives me red with rage what Italians have to put up with in mainstream media. When’s the last time you saw “The Amazing Chan and the Chan Clan?” (Or even “Hong Kong Phooey” for that matter!)

Which brings me to the list of people that I will bestow free and inhumanely brutal dental “fixuns” when I see them:

David Cross.

There. I am done.

JME3K

This may only be the preface to a raging reaction against the Yuppie-Boomer Scum Rag Rolling Stone's Top 500 Songs of All Time. It may be all I have to say about this homogenized tribute to all that has been done over and over and beaten into the turd-strewn ground. To add further dismay and outrage, see Rolling Stone's Top 500 Albums of All Time. Look, I am no more qualified than all the armchair prophets and self-satisfying pundits that spout off humorous bile to interpret the tastes of an absurd culture but I started this fucking thing and I want either praise or disagreement in my assessments. Please take a moment to look over these poo lists and please tell me I am not crazy in taking offense at my parents' music still being relevant in the eyes of a supposedly current left-of-center media music/news tabloid. Scumbags. This is a disaster. Fuck Bob Dylan, fuck The fucking Beach Boys (ENOUGH ALREADY), and yes, I am saying this, fuck The Beatles (up the bung-chute, unlubricated).Fuck Bruce Springsteen, a big fuck you to the Rolling Stones, and even U2 - go fuck off.
As for "classic rock," not enough Hendrix, Black Sabbath, Mountain, Iggy and The Doors (besides the obvious songs) on the list.
The ninties and current decade are offensively overlooked. Shame on you, Rolling Stone crap magazine. You are worse than Spin.

This is only a preface. You have not heard the end of this.

From Vainglorious to Humbling in a Crack to the Femur

The New Scientist issue on The Body(week of 30 Oct-5 Nov, article itself only available to subscribers, free 7-day trial, is it worth it? I don't know.) includes a sidebar to their Extreme Surgery feature, on leg-lengthening (height extension) surgery.

A couple of links for further enumeration on the procedure, like this one, suggest that it's primarily used on children or dwarves to give them a couple of inches, but NS suggests that it's also offered as a cosmetic procedure.

The procedure involves breaking the legs in two places (above the ankle and below the knee), stretching out the legs by a couple of millimetres a day for a couple of weeks, then plopping the patient in a wheelchair and hoping the bones fuse together properly.

And that's just fucking crazy. I mean, cosmetic surgery (when not for reconstruction) is about as vain as it gets (but fine and I wouldn't offend anyone whose self-image has improved because of a nose-trimming or whatever). I mean, jesus! This leaves you in a wheelchair for up to a year after. Which means you're doing something to satisfy an awful display of conceit, and end up with a massive dose in humility.

Which is just damned brilliant. It's akin to having a tummy tuck and having the extra tissue inserted in your ass, or getting a nosejob but being forced to walk around with no nose at all for a year while you wait for your new one to grow in, growing breast implants on the top of your head for twelve months while waiting for them to be ready to be tucked into your chest. You're saying "I'm willing to go through something that'll undoubtedly make me less appealing/attractive/self-confident/(insert reason for any cosmetic procedure) for a long long time (in this case, crippled! Son of a bitch!) and then I'll be taller and more attractive and have the ladies at last! But jesus, how many months in a wheelchair before you've learned the lesson, and how many years after seeing the world from just a couple of inches taller (providing your bones heal properly!) before you admit to yourself that it's just not worth it???

It's a brilliant idea. There don't seem many leg lengthening procedures performed... maybe it's the right approach? I'd wear my tits on my head for a year to fill out a bra later. Sure thing. No question.

Jimmy 3000 absolves you of your mediocrities

We have as station here in New York; 92.3 WXRK, called KROCK, from what I understand; Clear Channel Radio has several “KROCK” cookie cut radio stations, complete with DJ’s who squash the intro’s of all the songs with their voiceovers praising how stoned they were the night before and how incredible it is they can function in the work environment right now (i.e. looking at a list on a fucking computer screen and playing that sequence of music and answering the phone.) or my favorite, taking about how rough the traffic in New York was preventing them from getting to work when they’re actually broadcasting from no where near the city but pretending they are (and the fact they are never late, so what was the showboat all about?)

I have no clue what the purpose of this is, but I am going somewhere with this.

It’s probably my own goddamn fault. I have a great CD player for my car in my trunk, but it’s not hooked up to anything; so I listen to KROCK as WBAB and Q104 feels the necessity to play the Goofball laced “Shooting Star” by Bad Company once every hour along with the impossibly annoying “Fool in the Rain” (Which leaves me with the ingrained image of letter “I” from Dr. Seuss’s ABC book “Ichabod is Itchy”) and the “I don’t know what the hell he was thinking: Foxy Lady” which; as a Hendrix aficionado; pains me, especially when I have to speak to other musicians about the validity of Jimi Hendrix when this is really the only thing they ever heard. So yea’ I listen to KROCK, and NPR; when NPR is not eating laurel leaves at the shrine of Shawn Colvin and getting all glossolalic about Pete Yorn or the next Starbucks new Bob Dylan vente musselccino. (footnote 1)

Where was I going with this? KROCK, ok, KROCK does the “Furious 5 at 9” which are the top 5 requested songs played at 9:00 PM. I missed 5 and 4 as I was heading east to band practice but I managed to catch #3; a reprehensible cover of Pink Floyd’s radio-dulled classic “Another Brick in the Wall part 2” or for all you rock dudes out there who think “Baba O’Riley” is called “Teenage Wasteland” it’s that “We don’t need no Education” song; done by the very “GWAResque, but taking itself a little too seriously” influenced Korn; now spelled “Corn” from what I understand as “Korn” was not sinister enough. You know, this is what killed “Stryper” (No, not the kleptomaniac fox from Dora the Explorer, I’m talking the Christian Heavy Metal Band that were dressed as evangelical bumble bees.)

Well, it was pathetic, amateur and insipid. The guitar solo sounded like someone looked it up on a tab site on the web, and the rhythm guitar played D minor for about 45 minutes without bothering to do a goddamn thing. The rest of the song sucked something fierce. Song #2 was Tool/Circle of whatever’s cover of “Imagine” by John Lennon. First off, I hate even the Lennon version of this nonsense. Is there health care in this hippy-assed planet that is envisioned? How about free will? Nothing disgusts me more than a bunch of misinformed burnouts rallying behind this anthem as it represents all that is “assy” in the world. I’ve already ranted about how bad this cover is, I will spare all from my irk.

#1 was of course GreenDay’s magnum nauseum; “Jesus of Suburbia” which, I live next door to several guys named Jesus, in very suburban settings so not grabbed by the title. I know Tom loves this fairy buggery but I tried to give it a listen (along with 3 other songs on “American Idiot” to see if I was missing something; I ain’t), just to see and I can say I heard several lifts of Beatles melodies and a staccato guitar doodling that went nowhere except to the same 4 major cords over and over.

Kid’s: It’s not your fault. Your rock and roll is gay, gay as a pink boat filled with homo’s off to (flamingo friendly) homo island for a banana eating contest, and it’s highly unoriginal and the sad part is; it makes no sense.
You see: rock is not dead, but radio is doing it’s best to kill it. Nebula is putting out albums, they’re fucking brilliant. Queens of the StoneAge had about 4 seconds of fame on New York radio. Probot outsold America’s Sweetheart like 10:1 but Courtney Love is a celebrity (i.e. she drives drunk with her 10 year old in the car, sniff’s drain-o at rehab but we should be aware of her morals and follow her example.) but radio has not touched this album. Jack White plays three chords, slightly out of tune with a temperamental patch chord and he’s the top 12 guitarist of all time, Cracker please! Johnny Ramone was doing this before I discovered “Iron Man” was a cool song to play on my Sound-Design™ tape deck (with built in condenser mic and plastic coated chrome-like monophonic speaker) barreling down a treacherous hill on my Schwinn 20/20 into a pile of cinderblocks playing “Dukes of Hazard”

It’s all been done, and Its getting old. Time to move on.

Why do British bands understand this but American ones do not? They’re still courting the Rap/Rock thing like Faith No More just showed up last week. Which reminds me: Listening to NPR reporting on the death of Russel (Old Dirty Bastard/Big Baby Jesus/Old Dirty Jesus/Shit McDirt/Jesus McBastard) Jones you would have thought the Hip-Hop community had lost Maya Angelou. I was going to pick up on this when I found this link

http://www.8bm.com/diatribes/volume01/diatribes045/diatribes918-933/diatribes928.htm

Go there, it’s like I have a doppelganger or something.

(1) I concocted the first “Musselccino” at a fine dining establishment that employed me as a waiter many years ago. It was a cappuccino glass garnished with the dark husky shell of a salt water mussel. I set it very professionally at the placing of Tom’s sister while she was on a date with someone and announced delivery of this one-of-a-kind marvel, a marvel in-it-self that said; imaginative beverage “did not become one” with the place my brain is stored (inside my head, three to five days a week.)

You still here? You go now round eye.

Yes, the line in the title was from Antonio Salieri (1750-1825) who was one of W.A. Mozart’s closest friends, instructed Mozart’s children and was Ludwig (but not “Camper”) Van Beethoven’s music teacher, but you would never know from that goddamn movie with “Otter” from Animal House and that dude who gets thrown out the helicopter in "Scarface" and who (Salieri) by-the-way was a fucking awesome and very talented composer despite that films damage.

I am sitting in anticipation of the coming storm. Curried lentils and rice with a side of broccoli rabe was the dinner this evening and my insides are prepared to launch an all-out nuclear assault.

"Give me Leonard Cohen afterworld. So I can sigh eternally"
- Kurt Cobain - Pennyroyal Tea (from Nirvana - In Utero - one of the most abrasive and disturbing records I have ever endured)

Perhaps it is the profound shift to winter, maybe it is the loss of daylight. I have been listening to Leonard Cohen almost every day, and what once seemed dreary and moribund now sounds strangely magical. The first time I heard Leonard was on a cassette Best Of compilation from his late 60's - early 70's period and while I found it somewhat pleasant, it struck me as dull. I did not understand all the fawning accolades in the music press (something which has not changed). Fast forward to the early 90's and Leonard has started releasing records again but this time they were not the dry, spectral folk of his earlier years. It was some type of new form, his low voice sounding shot and tired but appropriate for the strange nondescript casio keyboard lounge arrangements playing behind him. It fell under the odd, maudlin realm of Tom Waits, Bertolt Brecht, et al - not something you could listen to all the time, but when the time was appropriate there is nothing better. I listened to his music for a while, bookmarked it in my memory and put it away.
His new record was released Oct 26. I had it for a month already because I am despicable about that sort of thing. It is titled Dear Heather and it is phenomenal, in the way that certain tracks prompt me to play them again when they are finished - fifteen times in a row, out of fascination. Some songs are standard love and loss songs, some are strange hybrid trip-hop inflected poetic spoken-word (sounds pretentious but it is not at all - it works!) A country (!) song, a beautiful female voice countering his gutteral baritone throughout most of the album.
I do not expect anyone to take heed to my recommendation... in fact I discourage it. I implore you to erase this and all previous writings from your memory and forget any impact it has had on your life.
The previous poo post is funnier, I know.

Have you ever drank two bottles of wine by yourself before you go to sleep on a week night?
If you have you will understand the thirst experienced upon waking and the need for cold liquid as your shaky hands struggle with the child-proof cap on the Advil bottle. My advice is to drink room temperature water, slowly. Avoid guzzling a quart of ice-cold (nearly frozen) apple juice, followed by a bunch of grapes. Also avoid thinking that if you disregard my advice and do this, that you can leave the house for a 20-minute drive while sipping strong coffee without having cramps akin to birth pangs, and the need to find a restroom, any restroom, or a private place outdoors, preferably in the woods.
I suspect that I came the closest that a man will ever come to the experience of childbirth, barring passing kidney stones...
A previous post conjured up the toilet scene in "Dumb & Dumber". It is safe to say that the end result of this life-altering event dwarfed the noise and gastric violence of that accursed movie scene. It was like opening a shaken can of Dr. Pepper to the tenth power.

The is a show on HBO called The Wire and I will be goddamned if it is not the best police/criminal drama series i have ever seen in my life. While I am no fan of network television (besides Jeopardy and Law & Order SVU) or anything else that falls under the realm of FCC regulation, I admit to being a strong supporter of HBO programming. four shows over the span of the year occupy my Sunday evening:

The Sopranos - First 3 seasons were a flawless case study in the grey areas of morality and mortality. Sympathy for sociopaths and psychopaths. Rooting for the bad guys, welcoming retribution, despite my inherent values regarding marriage, sex, loyalty and money, and a good story line to follow, debate and cast predictions on. The last two were mediocre in comparison, but still light years ahead of most television and even film.

Six Feet Under - Let's face it, it is a soap opera, evoking the ages old qualms of human relationships, including very gay ones (Jimmy 3000 loves that), all centered around the existential dreariness of death as a business, crushing grief and occasional gratuitous gore and butt-fucking. Nevertheless it is a priority for me to watch the episodes first-run and lust after Brenda, who is really not that good-looking, in the conventional sense. Claire is not so shabby either, with that baby-fat red-headed druggy demeanor. Billy is the best character on the show. Those the watch it will agree.

Deadwood - As a rule, I hate westerns, not because what they were really based on, but because of john Wayne and having his creaky old wrinkly dickhead persona ingrained into my boyhood, blah blah psychobabble blah.

Repo Man was the best movie referring to the falsehood of The Duke (I will make a future post regarding the relevance of Repo Man):
Miller:" John Wayne was a fag"
Repo Men: "What'd he say? He was what?"
Miller:" John Wayne was a fag"
Repo Men: "Get the fuck outta here, you'recrazy"
Miller:" He was too you boys. i installed two-way mirrors at his pad in Brentwood and he come to da door in a dress"

Deadwood is a western that uses the term "Cocksucker" every 30 seconds. The bad dude in the show is Ian McShane, who was a bad dude in Sexy Beast, a British film that i can write a thesis on, given the time and energy, but anyway he carries the show, cursing and banging hookers. it is a good show, I did it no justice here.

The Wire - This show must be followed from beginning to end to be appreciated. Buy the DVD set, borrow friend's old VHS tapes, subscribe to HBO on demand - this serial drama does not suck, and that alone is my basis for recommendation - the show never lost steam, it gains it each episode on an upward trajectory of intelligence, street reality, social commentary (never preaching) and the futility of poverty, politics and the War On Drugs. - enough for now. I am sure to continue this Topic by next week.

This post is in no way an endorsement of HBO but i must admit their Original Series Programming is of the highest quality.

Guilty on several of you call outs:

I have smoked my weight in what we aptly dubbed "wheelchair" and Ichiban Sake listening to "Amorica" (and a driving force behind me buying a G&L Telecaster to get that fucking sound!) and recall being blown out of the back window of the Malibu to the opening volcano blasts of "Junk Head." My anger with Layne is he and Cantrell were a force to be recond with and still had several good albums in him.

As for Grohl, the man is possibly the last true musician in the mainstream. The "Probot" album was the best thing I've heard since GBV's "Earthquake Glue."

But as for Greenday; you are gay, gay as a sailboat packed with Prep-School boys wearing sequens and Genie Slippers.

Tommy's retort to Right-Wing Jimmy's Enemies List

Note: I have only listed the items that I took umbrage at or agreed with and had something to add, and responded to further the self congratulatory wittiness that abounds here!

Alice in Chains

Layne Staylee should have boycotted that last heroin fix! It took the M.E. a week to figure out what the hell the festering ooze was on the floor of his Seattle apartment (It was him). He truly is the man in the box, buried in his shit. Nice going Layne.



Disagreed:

Dewd - you have to admit the first blast of noise in the opening chords of Dem Bones made you rock harder than any other, followed by the relentlessly sinister Junkhead - sub-Sabbath riffage distilled to a leaden paste... Just their record Dirt should render this item a falsehood of utmost irrelevancy. shame on you for mocking that poor addict, you smelly little man!

---

Audioslave

I boycotted this pathetic attempt to sound like SoundGarden meets Rage Against the Machine when I heard the album, you’d think getting your chocolate in the Peanut Butter would taste great, well it tastes like shit.

Agreed:

Good elements from two great bands, Soundgarden + Rage = Wet, loose Poo, with sporadic lingering poofs of flatus.

This was a record label/management creation, acknowledged by band members in the press and reeking of that putrid concept of Clear Channel support on a zillion "Modern Rock" clone stations across the vast plains of this idiot-populated country.

---

Babes in Toyland

Oh, fuck the LA music scene, who gives a hell. Pay to Play, Apply makeup to Play. You’d think Hanoi Rocks, a band that had limited appeal and no airplay would not be in danger of being the centerpiece of an otherwise dull rock movement 25 years after Vince Neal is still cleaning Razzle (the drummer, not the substance altering candy) from the back seat of his ’69 GTO



Disagreed:

You are confusing Hanoi Rocks with Hair Metal, something that is often done since Razzle (Hanoi Rocks' Drummer) was killed in a car driven by Vince Neil from Motley Crue. Hanoi Rocks had more in common with the New York Dolls/Johnny Thunders/Trash-punk Underground scene than anything offered up by the likes of Slaughter (rhymes with "laughter"), White Lion or Ugly Kid Joe.

---

Joan Baez

I would rather put my face in a wood chipper that sit through her Woodstock performance of “Joe Hill” again.



Agreed:

Listening to the douchey folk warbling of Joan Baez is akin to suffering through a prostate probing performed with a pine cone. I just added this because I am permitted to be self-indulgent and sometimes annoying.

---

Beastie Boys

Fuck them for dissing The Prodigy and warning him not to sing “Smack my Bitch Up”, the Beastie’s had three good albums and they know it. I’ll kick them in the ass like Mr. Spock and beat them with a wiffle ball bat.



Agreed and Disagree:

I could give a rat's ass about the Prodigy thing. Prodigy are the ones we should be eviscerating here, not the graying white rappers. Another sucky media-hype robotic rock/dance hybrid, Prodigy was completely lost on me. You probably have gay feeling for the Firestarter guy. The Beasties 1994 epic "Ill Communication" pardons all misdeeds by the non-Kabbalah Jewish guys turned Buddhist & Hindu (talk about self-hating Jews!) and renders all criticism moot.

---

Black Crowes

These guys would look for loose buds in Slash’s afro if they were jonesin'



Agreed and Disagreed:

Chris Robinson's repetitively numbing pro-pot stance, bad beards, twirly dancing and subsequent marriage into Hollywood are all fair targets for our bile, however I will refrain based on the 2 records "Southern Harmony & Musical Companion" and "Amorica" and the fact that I spent many a happily stoned evening of minimal responsibility and worries intertwined with the kind melodies of these two masterpieces. Some in the know would crucify them for being second-rate Faces clones; I applaud them for the same reason and for keeping a long-dormant sound going with great conviction.

---

Black Flag

Besides the embracing of MTV and subsequent betrayal, what did Henry Rollins ever really do that’s memorable?



Disagreed:

You were still listening to Joan Baez when these punks were relevant. You are not authorized to criticize the real reasons for a band like this. You need to get a high colonic and blow out the old vindaloo from your abused pipes.

---

Blur

I like blur, American radio has never given these guys a fair shake.



Agreed:

They actually did have a US hit with that "Woo Hoo" song that sounded Nirvana-ish. They were just too British at heart to catch on here and only caught our collective ears when they acted American. We are a narcissistic nation.

---

David Byrne

He’s a musical genius, look; his sleeves are too big!



Agreed:

The big suit is truly funny! He sings about flowers! He is sardonic and humorless in a funny way! Talking Heads Remain In Light is one of the best Adrian Belew records ever!

---

Tracy Chapman

Blames the GOP for that tarantula on her head.



Agreed:

When I see here, I snicker in a politically incorrect manner and the word "Mammy" flashes through my head - just plain wrong

---

Coldplay

RadioHead on medication, dull and far less entertaining.



Disagreed:

I cannot explain why - on paper I should really not care about Coldplay but there definitely is a spark of something in their music that reflects their great influences, namely Jeff Buckley and Sigur Ros. The Radiohead-lite tag is unfair. Strangely distant and icy at times, their panoramic soundscapes still oddly evoke more emotion that Dashboard Confessional on their whiniest day.

---

Sheryl Crow

Waiting for her to pull a Layne Staylee.

Disagreed:

That's just mean. My wife likes her and she is better than Jessica Simpson or Celine Dion. so what if she represents all the Gap-wearing, Starbuck-drinking nu-yuppies in SUVs? She often emulates Keith Richards' open-G tuning and that can't be all that bad.

---

Dave Matthews Band

There from Africa, no; they’re from Virginia, no wait, they throw poop on sightseers. The Neil Diamonds of Dead Heads. Listen; Any “Crunchie” band my mom thinks is cool is not, Case closed.

Agreed:

I fucking hate this band.

Individually, they are all great musicians, especially the drummer. Together, they are flaccid, pudgy, noodley, irritating, world-music sounding amalgram of everything that gives me the ultimate douche chills about a band. Am I complaining too much?

---

Dixie Chicks

No one gave a filthy fuck about these broads until Yahoo thought it was earth-shattering news they had some political opinion in Europe. Remember Europe? It’s the Muslim capital of Europe.

Disagreed:

All great musicians, though not my cup of Double Decaf Soy Chai Frappo-Latte, no whip Venti®.

Good for the singer not backing down to conservative criticism on our vast right-wing talk radio empires. Imagine the quality and timbre of the meaty farts that must emanate from the fat ass of Rush Limbaugh! His turds definitely "Break water ".

---

Everclear

Two albums later this band refuses to abandon the same melody.

Disagreed:

Two albums later? I thing it is 6 or 7!

---

Fishbone

Fuck them fully, Anthony attempted to rape my cousin in a San Deigo hotel room and Sunless Saturday is a complete rip of Iron Maiden’s “The Trooper”

Agreed:

You never told me this story! Did you mean Angelo instead of Anthony?

I wanted to like Fishbone all the way through but they just sucked too often to commit.

---

Foo Fighters (formerly Nirvana)

I’ll forgive Dave Grohl, but I won’t forgive this base head who compiled these names for the “formerly Nirvana” thing.

Disagreed:

Forgive Dave Grohl for what? Writing great catchy melodies and being an all-around "Aw Shucks" everyman to everyone? Oh, you mean the left wing cause thing? When you bitch about this stuff do you really know about the team you are apparently rooting for?

---

Fugazi

I thought all punk bands from the 80’s had spent all the cash from selling their songs to car companies. So much for Anti Establishment.

Disagreed:

Fugazi never sold out. Their fierce integrity and solid DIY ethic is in place and immovable. It is that way because they are kinds of weirdly unlikable and no one wants to buy their songs for car commercials anyway.

---

Peter Gabriel

I stopped listening when he took the giant frog costume off.

Disagreed:

Tony Levin on bass - that song "Digging In The Dirt". Immacualate. The "Passion" soundtrack... come on Jimmy, you are killing me...

---

Godsmack

Lets see; they named themselves after an AIC song, unabashedly sound like an Alice in Chains cover band and they sold their music to the Air Force for recruitment commercials.

Agreed:

They suck Rush Limbaugh's tooting, roast beef-impacted asshole for being a derivative, formulaic suck-ass band of stupid shit ass fuck.

---

Green Day

Don’t get me started on this retarded candy rapped punk band from our viable friends in the record industry. Since when is Punk politically concerned? I liked it far better when they realized it was ALL bullshit. When Punk starts telling me what to do and it’s not shoving shopping carts into busy intersections then it’s time for me to call Punk a bunch of Punks.

Disagreed:

I have a dirty little secret to confess. I read all the glowing reviews of Green Day's latest opus and decided to illegally download the album and listen to it to see what all the fussy fuss is about. Here is the Verdict: It is pretty damn likable! One catchy ditty after the next! Crunchy distorted heavy guitar washes over everything, including the vocalists annoyingmock-brit Punk circa '77 affectations. Good happy heavy songs! I am guilty as charged.



P.S. I always liked that song from the Godzilla 2001 (what a shit movie) soundtrack that has the same melody as Chicago's 25 Or 6 To 4...So there!

---

Arlo Guthrie

If you are still smoking weed at age 85 I’m going to have to ask you the shut the fuck up.

Disagreed:

Despite contrary image associations, it is pretty well-known that Arlo does not imbibe in the weed, especially after his cringeworthy commentary in the film "Woodstock". I also redesigned many of his CD sleeves - if you do not believe me, then click here!

---

Deborah Harry

Ah, the sands of time have not been kind to this one.

Agreed:

I love Blondie. I liked them back in their time when Parallel Lines came out and my younger sisters idolized Deborah Harry. I knew at nine years old that Deb was a hot piece off ass and I still think so when I look at the pictures from 1977. Ahem, the sands of time are a cruel and unforgiving solvent...

---

Juliana Hatfield

Who would win in a fight with her and James Hatfield, or Dr. McCoy?



Agreed:

Very clever and funny, Jimmy!

---

Helmet

I don’t know where I just went for this one, I’m thinking Helmut Kohl, and Shultz from Hogans Hero’s; Hey Shultzie, will ya’ let us escape for this delicious bar of chocolate?

Agreed:

I think of Spaceballs - Rick Moranis' character Dark Helmet... "does she give good helmet?"

---

Hole

I wanna sell as many albums as Dave Grohl, but I never will…

Climb back in that hole Courtney and stop driving around wasted with your daughter in the car, what the kind of parent fuck are you?

Agreed:

Hole has always sucked. I never got it.

---

Indigo Girls

Once again, exalted by the Lesbian Mafia.

Agreed:

This is vinegary vagina music. It is flowery but not Elf-friendly.

---

Janes Addiction

Yes, I need a bunch of self medicated bi-polar idiots to tell me how to vote.

Agreed:

Rock Music + Politics = pedantic demagoguery.

Janes Addiction have a spotty record with me - It is a love/hate sort of thing. I love 2 songs by them.

---

Joan Jett

It’s like Agril Lagvine all over again.

Agreed:

Always like the tube-amp distorted guitar tones, but the simplicity of her cover tunes struck me as moronic.

---

Jewel

Has more ass than Alaska has Salmon.

Agreed:

In a cutesy manner, she refers to her pajamas as PJ's in that one big hit she had and made an enemy in me for eternity.

---

L7

The scariest band I have ever heard live, they sonically violated me. One of the last bands I can truly call hard.



Agreed:

Even scarier, they were documented as having pulled out bloody tampons from their yeasty, smelly periodic crotches and flung them into the crowd. I believe you may have swallowed one by accident, hence the violation.

---

Luscious Jackson

Once asked a crowd of 16 year olds to stop throwing plastic bottles at them on Randall’s Island. Welcome to New York you sub moronic Liberal Midwestern College attending Beastie Boyettes. A very wet Luscious Jackson high tailed it off the stage that afternoon.

Disagreed:

What does any of the above info have to do with there particularly laid-back femme hip hop trip? Stop using the word "liberal" in a derogatory light. Ok, Sean Hannity? Ok, Ann Coulter? Ok, Steppin Fetchit?

---

Massive Attack

They’re no House Martins.

Disagreed:

I hope that was a joke.

---

Madonna (Louise Ciccone)

Pontiac Michigan, home of the Queen’s English and cradle of Middle Eastern mystic belief systems that have their own advertising firms.

Agreed:

Guiltier than Madonna of trivializing an ages-old hermitic Jewish tradition are the Rabbis of the Kabbalah Centers world-wide. This is equal to the historical scandal of the buying of indulgence practiced by the Catholic Church back in the time when Kabbalah was quietly studied by mystic scholars initiated into the secrets by demonstrating complete knowledge of the basic tenets of the Jewish faith and knowlege of Talmud.

A red Kabbalah string for 20 bucks to ward off the evil eye. Shame on you Rabbi Berg!

---

John Mayer

I thought this was the 2004 Bob Dylan; Eddie Bauer edition.

Agreed:

Though not as offensive as Dave Matthews Band, this stuff teeters on the line. Did you ever see how tall this guy is? He towers over Shaq or something.

---

Mekons

A band that named themselves after a questionable Vietnam War altercation politicical? Nah?

Disagreed:

I don't think you know one thing about this band nor could you name one song that they have written in their illustrious 25+ year career (no Google searches permitted)

---

Mudhoney

The suck metal hair bands of the 80’s have been replaced with the canned heavy nipple and belly pierced boy metal bands of this lousy century.



Disagreed:

Again, you missed the mark. Mudhoney are the product of a genetic mutation of Black Sabbath, The Stooges and Blue cheer in a nuclear fusion centrifugal flux capacitor bunsen burner cuisinart. You talk out of your oft-utilized anus. I know for a fact you would like this band.

---

Graham Nash

Hey can I have some of your purple berries? Go buy your own purple berries you filthy dope fairy.



Agreed:

Hahaha! Purple berries were used to fight sea-sickness. I am not sure exactly what type of berry they were, but I heard they also made you trip for 16 day and 47 nights.

---

Nine Inch Nails

And the last hit they had was twelve years ago.

Agreed:

Trent Reznor = Derivative of Al Jourgenson from Ministry, but sucking badly and espousing a useless nihilism for no apparent reasons, with no clue as to what is rebelled against. I want to Beat Him Like An Animal

---

No Doubt

Almost pulled a Bosstones until people magazine decided Gwen Stefani was a cutie and they made her sing cover songs that were already hits but sucked.



Agreed:

This group is huge but who buys all these records? I don't personally know any no Doubt fans. I definitely would put Gwen over my knee and swat her hiney. Repeatedly.

---

Pearl Jam

And the sailor wore a peg leg! This guy has been stealing sailor shanties for the past ten years and Rolling Stone thinks he’s the most important thing in music since Wilco. I used to buy glow-in-the-dark dinosaurs in Wilco and eat them to see if my stomach would light up.



Agreed:

What happened to Pearl Jam? A good 1st album followed by pap smudge fecal bolus stool sample.

---

Primus

At some point we all said. “What the fuck did I buy this album for?” but it was too late. The naisly crooning of Les Claypool would forever haunt our airwaves whenever 90’s flashback freakout is played on a Viacom radio station. (which are all of them now except for two in the Yak-Pooh Province of Centrifugal Mongolia)



Agreed:

I once stood through a 2.5 hour set by this band and resent it to this day. Annoying shit-rock.

---

Queens of the Stone Age

Not the Queens of the Stone Age too! I liked their last album, not as much as I wanted to but I was cool. Ah, fuck them, What that album really needed was far more singer from Screaming Trees, what’s his name; Gilligan Hitler something…

Disagreed:

Don't fuck with Queens, now i am going to have to bitchsmack you with my keyboard. The Queens sport the mightiest lineage of the more recent bands to surprisingly garner airplay. Listen closely to the overplayed single "Nobody Knows" next time it is on KRock - there is a lot of weird vocal counter-melodic stuff going on, strange whining and weepy harmonies playing counter to the robotic driving riff that will not stop no matter what you do to try - it just keeps coming, it will rip your fucking ass out!

---

Radiohead

Now you’re killing me, not Thom Yorke! He was great as Will Robinson in that Lost in Space remake however.



Agreed:

After OK Computer they lost me with the masturbatory exercises in wankery and Krautrock minimalism. The Will Robinson Joke is funny. Wasn't he in the Black Crowes

---

R.E.M.

Everybody sucks, especially this band. Not since “Reckoning” have these guys done a fucking inspirational composition that did not have radio friendly pissed all over it.



Agreed:

I must say I like their new single "Leaving New York." Mysterious lilting melody, minimal production, decent obtuse lyrics...The song title is relevant since all my cheap -ass friends and relatives complain how expensive it is to live near or in the greatest city in the universe and they threaten to move to California (?), North/South Carolina and Florida. What the funk?

The rest of the list will follow shortly... Apologies in advance for all the talk of asses and farts and other subject matter that is certain to continue in every single post to this site for its creative duration.

It struck me as I listen to Gil Scott Heron's uber-rant "The Revolution Will Not Be Televised.", that it's real, it's pissed off, but so goddamn focused. It's not attacking magazines printing false statements about some rapper, or about the record company trying to shut down their truth or any of that sufficiently already explored faux-bullshit keeping it real for “mah tru fhanz” crap, but in my sustaining of the moment I accidentally skipped over Gomez's haunting "We haven’t turned around" for what I saw labeled "Chocolate Salty Balls" only to find it was Ashley Simpson’s "pieces of you." So that's what all that hub-bub was.

Thank the Vikings in Valhalla it was followed by Black Sabbath's "Back Street Kid"

Nobody I know will ever take my rock and roll away from me, not even Whitey on the Moon.

-J3K

Hey kiddies, I, Jimmy3K have returned with a little list I found on my internet and well, now that Battlestation America is back open for another four years of international pimp-smacking please point the forward laser at the following bands:

Here is a list of music groups that actively contribute or have contributed in the past to left-wing groups like Planned Parenthood, Moveon.org, the Democratic National Committee, or other extreme left-wing groups; most notably; ”Communists for making moccasins out of hemp and the baby soft skin of your god fearing white children”, and the “People for the Ethical Treatment of Rhubarb”. This list was Compiled by AmericanConservative.com and ConservativesForFreedom.org and was subsequently “schmaltzed” up by your’s truly.

Alice in Chains

Layne Staylee should have boycotted that last heroin fix! It took the M.E. a week to figure out what the hell the festering ooze was on the floor of his Seattle apartment (It was him). He truly is the man in the box, buried in his shit. Nice going Layne.



Audioslave

I boycotted this pathetic attempt to sound like SoundGarden meets Rage Against the Machine when I heard the album, you’d think getting your chocolate in the Peanut Butter would taste great, well it tastes like shit.



Babes in Toyland

Oh, fuck the LA music scene, who gives a hell. Pay to Play, Apply makeup to Play. You’d think Hanoi Rocks, a band that had limited appeal and no airplay would not be in danger of being the centerpiece of an otherwise dull rock movement 25 years after Vince Neal is still cleaning Razzle (the drummer, not the substance altering candy) from the back seat of his ’69 GTO



Joan Baez

I would rather put my face in a wood chipper that sit through her Woodstock performance of “Joe Hill” again.



Beastie Boys

Fuck them for dissing The Prodigy and warning him not to sing “Smack my Bitch Up”, the Beastie’s had three good albums and they know it. I’ll kick them in the ass like Mr. Spock and beat them with a wiffle ball bat.



Harry Belafonte

Come Mistah Tallyman, the man’s carrier was a novelty to white folk.



Tony Bennett

Tony is the musical equivalent to John Voight’s character in “Midnight Cowboy”



Bikini Kill

Mediocre name, which says far more than the abilities of this band.



Bjork

She’s into that whole smoked herring for breakfast thing. Her whole country is going to be a warm pee spot in the Atlantic in another 10 years.



Black Crowes

These guys would look for loose buds in Slash’s afro if they were jonesin'



Black Flag

Besides the embracing of MTV and subsequent betrayal, what did Henry Rollins ever really do that’s memorable?



Mary J. Blige

R&B became known as “Rap and Bullshit” the moment Marvin Gaye was killed.



Blink 182

They invented Ska I was told. And all this time I thought it was the Kingston music scene in Jamaica c. 1960.



Blur

I like blur, American radio has never given these guys a fair shake.



David Byrne

He’s a musical genius, look; his sleeves are too big!



Roseanne Cash

A boy named Roseanne.



Belinda Carlisle

She’s looking like a doughy Brian Denehey these days.



Tracy Chapman

Blames the GOP for that tarantula on her head.



Coldplay

RadioHead on medication, dull and far less entertaining.



Judy Collins

That’s the last time I do skin cuttings to “Both Sides Now” from now on I’m strictly a Janice Ian fan.



Cowboy Junkies

The Scepeltura of sleep rock.



The Cranberries

What was up with “Zombie”? Is that pro IRA or are they against “Lucky” the cereal dependent leprechaun?



Sheryl Crowe

Waiting for her to pull a Layne Staylee.



Dave Matthews Band

There from Africa, no; they’re from Virginia, no wait, they throw poop on sightseers. The Neil Diamonds of Dead Heads. Listen; Any “Crunchie” band my mom thinks is cool is not, Case closed.



Dixie Chicks

No one gave a filthy fuck about these broads until Yahoo thought it was earth-shattering news they had some political opinion in Europe. Remember Europe? It’s the Muslim capital of Europe.



Neil Diamonds

“Coming to America” is my queue to grab all my shit from the ground and get out of the parking lot before all the other assholes who came to see fireworks do.



Bob Dylan

What did Jimi Hendrix ever, EVER hear in this guy.



The Eagles

Anyone who ever bought one of their albums can never quite figure out why. If I hear “Hotel California” 11 million years from now it will be too soon. Noting will ever come close to “The Greeks don’t want to Freaks”



Melissa Etheridge

If she wasn’t a lesbian would anyone give a shit about her music?



Everclear

Two albums later this band refuses to abandon the same melody.



Everlast

They lost all musical credibility when “Jump Around” was used for the birthday scene in “Mrs. Doubtfire.”



Face to Face

I totally drew a blank on this one. If anyone know’s who this is let me know. I’m too lazy to check the internet.



Faith No More

They ain’t no Mr. Bungle.



Filter

Hey man, Nice shot, nice shot man, what a good shot man, hey man, nice…Hey man! One hit!



Fishbone

Fuck them fully, Anthony attempted to rape my cousin in a San Deigo hotel room and Sunless Saturday is a complete rip of Iron Maiden’s “The Trooper”



Foo Fighters (formerly Nirvana)

I’ll forgive Dave Grohl, but I won’t forgive this base head who compiled these names for the “formerly Nirvana” thing.



Stone Fox

Come here ya’ big dummy, I got a nice knuckle samuich for you!



Fugazi

I thought all punk bands from the 80’s had spent all the cash from selling their songs to car companies. So much for Anti Establishment.



Peter Gabriel

I stopped listening when he took the giant frog costume off.



Garbage

They’re Scottish and not liking Rod Stewart is punishable by being tossed in a bog over there.



Steve Gatlin (Gatlin Brothers)

Achy Breaky Neck. The above parentheses are the most I’ve heard from the Gatlin Brothers since 1985.



Godsmack

Lets see; they named themselves after an AIC song, unabashedly sound like an Alice in Chains cover band and they sold their music to the Air Force for recruitment commercials.



Kim Gordon (Corina and Sonic Youth)

Thurston Moore grew up the sole inheritor of Thurston Howell’s estate, it was paid to him in coconuts.



Green Day

Don’t get me started on this retarded candy rapped punk band from our viable friends in the record industry. Since when is Punk politically concerned? I liked it far better when they realized it was ALL bullshit. When Punk starts telling me what to do and it’s not shoving shopping carts into busy intersections then it’s time for me to call Punk a bunch of Punks.



Arlo Guthrie

If you are still smoking weed at age 85 I’m going to have to ask you the shut the fuck up.



Deborah Harry

Ah, the sands of time have not been kind to this one.



Juliana Hatfield

Who would win in a fight with her and James Hatfield, or Dr. McCoy?



Sophie B. Hawkins

I think I just saw her second billed on the Marquee for Howard Johnson’s on the way to work.



Helmet

I don’t know where I just went for this one, I’m thinking Helmut Kohl, and Shultz from Hogans Hero’s; Hey Shultzie, will ya’ let us escape for this delicious bar of chocolate?



Hole

I wanna sell as many albums as Dave Grohl, but I never will…

Climb back in that hole Courtney and stop driving around wasted with your daughter in the car, what the kind of parent fuck are you?



Indigo Girls

Once again, exalted by the Lesbian Mafia.



Janes Addiction

Yes, I need a bunch of self medicated bi-polar idiots to tell me how to vote.



Joan Jett

It’s like Agril Lagvine all over again.



Jewell

Has more ass than Alaska has Salmon.



Lady Miss Kier

I can’t say anything bad to anyone who has had Q-Tip guest on her album.



L7

The scariest band I have ever heard live, they sonically violated me. One of the last bands I can truly call hard.



Led Zeppelins

Not the Led Zeppelins! I have all their albumses; Led Zeppelins One’s, Two’s Three’s, Stairways to Heavens to Megatroids, Led Zeppelin has not released an album since 1981, and money from Jimmy’s “Led Wallet” Page’s offerings go straight to the Jimmy Page Arm Candy Fund.



Letters to Cleo

One hit, and I can’t even remember it. I guess they cool if you’re a big Dawson’s Creek kinda fellah. “Screw the Steelers game Ed, I gotta find out if Paige is going to confront Ashleigh for asking Kyle to take her to the Pearl Jam concert! Put on the WB now!”



Living Colour

I could never cover the song “Cult of Personality” without inducing myself into a Jacksonian seizure on my Washburn “Wunderbar” and laughing my ass off at the same time. Muzz and Calhoon were the real force behind that band anyway.



Lunachicks

A band that does not live up to their name.



Luscious Jackson

Once asked a crowd of 16 year olds to stop throwing plastic bottles at them on Randall’s Island. Welcome to New York you sub moronic Liberal Midwestern College attending Beastie Boyettes. A very wet Luscious Jackson high tailed it off the stage that afternoon.



Massive Attack

They’re no House Martins.



Madonna (Louise Ciccone)

Pontiac Michigan, home of the Queen’s English and cradle of Middle Eastern mystic belief systems that have their own advertising firms.



Marroon 5

The whole idea of this band was to have Robot and Dr. Smith droppin mad lyrics while Don up rocked the vinyl. Oh, Maroon 5! I thought this was something else.



John Mayer

I thought this was the 2004 Bob Dylan; Eddie Bauer edition.



Mekons

A band that named themselves after a questionable Vietnam War altercation politicical? Nah?



Wynton Marsalis

Saw him perform an outdoor show, everyone was smoking weed and throwing frisbies, I don’t think a single person knew he was on stage.



Sarah McLaughlin

Close eyes, tap slippers together, and September the 11th will magically go away.



Ethyl Meatplow

Stole their name from an STP song.



Natalie Merchant

10,000 Maniacs (AKA Al Queda)



Metallica

Not buying it, Hatfield is a closet Republican, and Kirk Hammit is JoJo his evil biting Minkey.



Mighty Mighty Bosstones

A band that actually was killed off by the fact Sublime was just not going to release any more albums.



Mudhoney

The suck metal hair bands of the 80’s have been replaced with the canned heavy nipple and belly pierced boy metal bands of this lousy century.



NOFX

No fucking talent either.



Graham Nash

Hey can I have some of your purple berries? Go buy your own purple berries you filthy dope fairy.



Nine Inch Nails

And the last hit they had was twelve years ago.



Nirvana (following the suicide death of the band's

lead singer the group has worked under the name 'Food

Fighters')

The Food Fighters you say?



No Doubt

Almost pulled a Bosstones until people magazine decided Gwen Stefani was a cutie and they made her sing cover songs that were already hits but sucked.



Oasis

This band is too busy throwing empty bottles of Pim’s #1 and Malteezers at each other to even matter any more.



The Offspring

If I were 12 I would think these guys are cool because they’re just like the Sex Pistols, but with a lot of Weird Al thrown in.



Sinead O'Connor

Doesn’t Prince still have a Jihad on her for “Nothing Compares 2U?” (I hate when people write like this, it should be punishable by a good Keel Haulin’)



Joan Osbourne

She’s no Ozzy, though she once bit the head off of Kenny Wayne Sheppard.



Pavement

I thought Pavement and Helmet was the same band.



Pearl Jam

And the sailor wore a peg leg! This guy has been stealing sailor shanties for the past ten years and Rolling Stone thinks he’s the most important thing in music since Wilco. I used to buy glow-in-the-dark dinosaurs in Wilco and eat them to see if my stomach would light up.



Liz Phair

If the fact that I can eat a block of wasabi and wash it down with an octet of double espressos does not impress this chick, forget her.



Kate Pierson (B-52s)

Trying to get Atlanta annexed to the Soviet Union since 1978



Iggy Pop

George Bush has made it harder and harder for honest American junk fiends to get anything but Mexican Brown or that Eastern European shit.



Posum Dixon

I thought this movie was banned by the Peoples Republic of Uncle Remus’ Cabin.



Presidents of the United States of America

There was way too much weed passed around when this band was formed. The guy was too stoned to put those strings back on his guitar for seven years. I wonder what his lawn looks like. Mow that lawn you lazy pothead!



Primus

At some point we all said. “What the fuck did I buy this album for?” but it was too late. The naisly crooning of Les Claypool would forever haunt our airwaves whenever 90’s flashback freakout is played on a Viacom radio station. (which are all of them now except for two in the Yak-Pooh Province of Centrifugal Mongolia)



Public Enemy

Any band that groups me in with some elite group of slave owning rich white folk can tell me to face. I may be a poor ass mongrel but I will put my fist through that clock and keep going.



Queens of the Stone Age

Not the Queens of the Stone Age too! I liked their last album, not as much as I wanted to but I was cool. Ah, fuck them, What that album really needed was far more singer from Screaming Trees, what’s his name; Gilligan Hitler something…



Radiohead

Now you’re killing me, not Thom Yorke! He was great as Will Robinson in that Lost in Space remake however.



R.E.M.

Everybody sucks, especially this band. Not since “Reckoning” have these guys done a fucking inspirational composition that did not have radio friendly pissed all over it.



Rage Against the Machine

If this band liked anyone except Chez Guevara and Castro I would become very worried. Communism works, just try not to trip over the 65 Million dead non-atheists laying about.



Rancid

Oh my, this is not a band, it’s a record companies attempt to tell us Punk was actually invented in California in 1996.



Lou Rawls

Lou Rawls brings back the anxiety of being stuck in the back seat of my dad’ Buick with my mom working her magic on the AM static and getting “You’re gonna’ miss my lovin’” stuck in my head until my 29th birthday.



Redd Kross

Who? “Warm it up Redd!”



Red Hot Chili Peppers

Never did anything worth mention after “Real men don’t kill Coyotes”, that and Kedis was barred from performing on Sesame St. after being arrested on a sex assault charge. It’s a good thing he’s in a position to give me morals.



Henry Rollins

There’s a story about him where he had his teeth knocked out by Flo from Alice.



Linda Ronstadt

Couldn’t get arrested in Utah for a lewd act with a petting zoo.



Screaming Trees

Another band that has not put out a goddamn thing in ten years. Where did this nut get this list?



Peter Seeger

This guy still thinks we’re in Nam.



Seven Year B*tch

Lousy name. Even Beaver Brown had a cooler name than these guys, and they were named after paint.



Bobby Short

Nope.



Sixpence None The Richer

Another one hit mystery.



Smashing Pumpkins

Thanks for making us wait in the rain for a half hour so we could hear about your atheism. No one gave a fuck, did you think you were in Kentucky or something. Get off the stage you bowl of dick.



Sonic Youth

Already on the list.



Soul Asylum

Done, one hit, ten years ago.



Soundgarden

Became AudioSuck; next…



Bruce Sprinsteen

You know how I feel about nooding saxophone solos that just go on aimlessly.



Stone Temple Pilots

Broke up and became Gun’s and Pilots and it’s laughable.



Paul Stookey (Peter, Paul & Mary)

The thing that disturbs me the most is the distorted view of what these people have against anyone who thinks differently, and it plays from both sides, but both sides need to a) smoke some pot and mellow out. Or b) stop spending your social security on pot because your burnt, paranoid and have nothing to offer any more.



Barbra Streisand

She needs to stop with the social commentary already, (so do I but if you think for a second I take any of this seriously than you’re a bigger ass than most I can comprehend.)



The Strokes

Any band that includes Guided By Voices in their videos is cool. Fucking cool even if they played the same set twice at the Apollo when they shared the bill with GBV.



Sugar

Disappeared off the face of the Earth like my Jumbo Darth Vader’s light saber did when I was eight.



Superchunk

Like naming a band “Jabber Jaw”



Matthew Sweet

What’s up with Girlfriend, is that song to a guy or something, cus if it is I’m going to stop singing it out loud.



James Taylor

Saw James open up for Slayer at Lamore East on Long Island, I had to get my ears stitched back on at the end of the show, man he was a crazy mother fucker, he drank a cats blood. Oh wait, maybe it was King Diamond.



10,000 Maniacs

Natalie dumped this band as soon as she was told she could make money without them and not have to split the profits.



That Dog

Still in Re-runs. Marlowe Thomas, Fred Berry and Jim Neighbors as Cap’n Erotica, the whacky and overtly flamboyant building superintendent. They just don’t write shows like that anymore.



311

This was the band someone tired to tell me invented Ska, another idiot told me Nirvana invented punk. To my credit I did not offer free dental work.



Tool

To artsy to be metal, mediocre songs with videos that sometimes are almost cool, but that’s pretty much music now anyway.



Mary Travers (Peter, Paul & Mary)

Caught her on the same bill as Slayer



U2

I don’t know if I find U2 Funny, contemptuous or a bunch of assholes more.



Suzanne Vega

The only really good thing to come from Suzanne was R.E.M. doing that cover of her stupid “doot-doot-doota, doot-doot-doota” thing and making up inane lyrics.



Velvet Revolver

By the time I post this on the web; Scott Weiland will get arrested trying to buy drugs from a sixth grader, go to rehab and start another band that still does not come close to STP.



Veruca Salt

How did this band get away with ripping of Rohl Dhal but “The Scott Fargus Incident” had a lawsuit on them before they could utter the name?



Tom Waits

The first time I head Tom Waits was in a friend of mine’s car crossing the 59th street bridge, he put on “I’ll take New York” and a sea of hobos encircled us and began wiping the windows with dirty mittens and used underwear. Where do you go from there?



Weezer

Hash Pipe has some Mathew Sweet “Girlfriend” overtones but they all ripped of “Lola” anyway.



White Stripes

Jack White is to guitar what Ronco is to crap. Crap. “He ripped it down to the bare essentials of rock and roll man!” no, he just picked up on shit that did this sixty five years ago and no gen X,Y or Z can name a single musician from back then so we think it’s new.



Peter Yarrow (Peter, Paul & Mary)

Why couldn’t this dumb ass put peter, paul and mary in the same list. Was he afraid they would escape or be turned loose on the earth like Boba Fett and Mike Tyson?



X

Not a band, it’s an OS, I’m using it right now.



Yo La Tengo

I never know what to make of this band.



Neil Young

Had six tour busses built that run on Peter Paul and Mary’s farts. This must be the reason the hole in the ozone is getting smaller all of the sudden, that or maybe we don’t have a fucking clue and we’re too busy reading snippets from the ticker beneath the Entertainment Tonight banner as Brittany’s tits flap around and make us buy Dodge Durangos.